Thanks for your response. Sorry for the ambiguity/confusion! Evidently conveying things clearly isn't exactly a strong suit of mine currently.

The couple who took me to the paramedics saw me having the seizure and that's what they wrote down - "tonic/clonic seizure". Additionally, I have "islands" of memory in the post-seizure amnesia - I recall the couple helping me walk, telling me I'd had a seizure and they were going to get me help, asking if I'd taken anything, not to touch my face (I'd scraped it up pretty bad), etc. I remember being unable to respond properly, comprehend what they were saying etc. - you know, I knew what I wanted my brain to be saying and doing but it wasn't happening correctly - when they first asked if I'd taken anything I said "yes", followed by "no", and can recall saying "I'm sorry" to them quite a bit. Quite unfortunately, that, as well as the general disorientation I was displaying, led everyone involved in treating me early on to assume that I had taken something and to respond as though they were treating intoxication/overdose - I can't help but fret that that delay in treating the actual problem may have led to more damage than there might've otherwise been...

Anyhow. My current situation... I say with as much modesty as I can that I was of quite above-average intellect - top 10% student at an academically selective high school - prior to incurring this damage to my brain and thus am acutely aware of the fairly considerable deficits in my cognitive ability... An article called "The High IQ TBI" on the blog "Dancing Upside Down" (can't post the link) really resonated with me. My symptoms: The visual issues most likely due to HPPD: tracers, geometric/contrast-y patterns in grass/leaves/carpet/etc., occasional flashes in my peripheral vision, exacerbated visual snow (I've had it since I can recall), starbursts, after-images, light sensitivity, focusing issues... Those which are more ambiguous: anhedonia, difficulty concentrating, difficulty absorbing information, spatial memory/navigation, all forms of memory quite messed up, aphasia (language/writing/vocabulary were my greatest talents and so this is especially heartbreaking) difficulty speaking clearly, jumbled thoughts, a sensation of "head pressure", and depersonalisation/derealisation. It's hard to say if there's any "physiological" cause of the severe anxiety and depression, as naturally such a blow to cognitive capability/associated lifestyle would greatly upset anyone...

And I guess, even though I'm physically capable of carrying out various tasks if I put my mind to them, I feel absolutely messed up no matter what I'm doing, and the thought of committing to something high-stress and high-responsibility in this state is incredibly daunting - not just the menial/mental tasks themselves but also the inherent socialising. And yeah, anxiety is a huge part of it... I've endured a pretty shitty life and the thing that got me through it all was my intelligence - my one blessing - and now so much of it is gone... I don't want to move on from that me. That life. The thought of just letting go of it is incredibly scary and upsetting. Every waking minute I'm acutely, intensely aware of how utterly messed up my brain feels... I never feel comfortable or relaxed in myself. Continuing to exist feels hard enough... Adding the responsibility of a long-term vocational commitment feels unfathomable... I suppose I'm kind of waiting on some kind of significant gain, or something near a guarantee that I can/will be able to reach something close to my former self... Which I know is incredibly unrealistic/wishful thinking but like... I don't know. If I were to be blinded, or to lose multiple limbs, I wouldn't want to live. This is starting to feel equivalent to those things.

Yikes. I'm sorry to be such a total downer... I'm doing CBT and stuff and am aware of how futile and destructive all this dwelling and regret and self-loathing is, and I know I ought to be grateful for my relative fortune and I really do try to be, but it still manages to consume and dominate how I think and feel... So in seeking help it wouldn't be honest to obscure it.

What I'm trying to focus my energies toward is "fixing" my brain as much as possible so hopefully I'll eventually feel able to put myself back out there. I haven't been doing too brilliantly with the more effort-intensive stuff over the past year - studying, diet, exercise, etc. but I've done a lot of research into medications/supplements and have been trying a few here and there. Nothing's really seemed to make a huge difference, thus far though, unfortunately, but most of the promising things - those which promote neurogenesis, neurorestoration, etc. take time.

Blah, rambling on. I'm so grateful to anyone who's taken the time to read through this.