[Apologies in advance for the profanity at the end. Please understand I am someone who only uses it when I feel it helps better express a point and the emotion behind it.]

Wow, 9 years I can only imagine. I've been dealing with similar issues for a little more than a year... even so, hopefully this will give you a little pick me up ...

I like to think of myself as tough, but I hit a big breaking point mentally last month. I have a very high pain tolerance, and have managed to more or less function at work. Ever every other minute I spent in bed.

Then on December 23rd I was driving myself to the airport to go see my family in Denver for Christmas. The pain was already kicking in bad, and it was tough to concentrate. As I struggled to concentrate on the road, I was also trying to figure out how long I could last on a 4 hour flight, if the attendants would let me lie on my back somewhere if it got bad...what would happen if it got too bad, I passed out, and was unconscious when the plane arrived. Then came the realization that I'm only 31 and this it what my life had come to.

I started crying uncontrollably. Fortunately I manged to pull off on the side of the road before I got in an accident. It took three times calling my parents and hanging up before I could make words. Probably about 5 minutes before I could get a coherent sentence out and tell them I wasn't coming.

I made it back home, but was in bad shape mentally. Anyone on this board knows exactly the kinds of thoughts that were going through my head. But then something else hit me. The pain was bad, but it hadn't gotten significantly worse in maybe 4 months. Spending Christmas alone, lying on my back, staring at a ceiling that I can't begin to express how sick I am of looking at ... this was the worst it was going to get. And if I could get through the worst, I could make it until it got better. And it would get better, because I would make it get better. That second my whole mindset changed.

**** this. **** this pain. **** my victim-why-is-this-happening-to-me mentality. The pain was not abstract anymore. It became a thing. It's a thing that wasn't part of my life, and I'm going to go after it relentlessly until it is no longer a part in my life. If that means going to every doctor I have to until I get an answer I will. If that means fighting with my insurance company to see those doctors I will. And **** all the ineffectual doctors I've been to. If I have to direct my care myself, push for new answers myself, until I can find a doctor capable of doing an exceptional job then I will. If I go to every doctor I can, and all of them from the Mayo Clinic to Johns Hopkins tell me there is nothing that can be done to make it go away .... then I will take a deep breath, I will push until I find a better way to manage it, and I will outlast it until they can grow a new spine out of stem cells and surgically insert it using ******* nano-robots.

I know, big words from someone who has only been dealing with this for a year and two months. But here's the thing... as soon as that mindset changed I started pushing hard. I'm also lucky. I'm a state employee. I don't make much the health insurance is excellent. I started setting up appointments. I started looking at it diagnostically. What will this tell me? Ok if that doesn't work then I will know know this, and I will already have appointments b, c, d, and e scheduled. I've made more progress in this last month than the entire year prior. I have gotten better. I'm still struggling, but if Christmas was a 10 I'm back down to a 6. I also feel like I'm honing in on answers.

If I'm not then I'll find a way to get to Mayo or Hopkins. If that doesn't work then the nanobots. But if I was already at the worst, then it can only get better.

Your situation sounds horrible. But it can get better. You can find the strength. Keep fighting, keep appealing. You are strong enough to make it better.