I had booked an appt with my GP last week so still went to her on my way home as I needed some script renewals etc. she had received a letter from my neurosurgeon so knew I had been in hospital. My NS and PM had both used the phrase when speaking with me your lower back is "blown out" I asked her what it meant because at the time when speaking to the specialists I was adjusting to the new and for me, very high dose of oxy and I was away with the fairies in la la land. She gave a visual to me explaining its a bit like an explosion, or imagine the aftermath of an explosion with all the bits and bobs lying about. My back is collapsing and bits of bone shattered off. Yay, how lucky can I get.

My surgeon in London in 1996 told me that by the time I reach 55 I will be in a wheel chair. I confess I pushed it way, way in the back of my mind and having had other illnesses in 2001, 2, 3 and 4 where I endured countless operations had over 27 blood transfusions and had a very good go in each of those years of "popping my clogs" just as I did when I was 6, 27 and 33. I have lived a very active life raising money for charities doing bike rides of over 50 miles and on other occasions running 10 miles at Richmond. In the times of preparing for those events I was in training and that was all in between working in excess of 60 hour weeks, hospital appointments and in general trying to life a life. I look back and can see life was frenetic but I thrived and just pushed on with living. I won awards between 2000 and 2005 all while I was so ill, Regional HR manager of the year twice, Manager of the year, Trainer of the year twice and my husband also won many awards in his field, including once in 2003 an all expenses paid 10 day round trip to Rio de Janeiro picked up in a limo and treated like kings and queens. Life was good, even though I was so ill, even in photos I had taken, I looked good. We saw the photos taken at my friends celebration of life yesterday, my husband and I both looking, where am I? We both saw me at the same time neither of us said anything.

Mum bought fish n chips over for dinner last night and I went to bed an hour after she came, I heard them speaking about me and mum said I saw Pamela at the pharmacy before she went to hospital and before I realised it was her I thought that poor girl she looks so ill, Lyndon said, I was looking for her in the photo and couldn't see her and then I realised there she was. Pain is just etched in her face and has removed all of her. It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do for her anymore.

Life sure is strange eh, I was so sick between 2001 and 2004 but really, I lived and lived, I have been ill on and off for years and there are few years that I can recall where I didn't end up in hospital, certainly in the 22 years I've been married to Lyndon I've gone in every year. Now here we are in 2014, the surgeons remarks have come back to me so very clearly. I'm 53 this year, I'm very glad I fought my way through those tough years and came through, I'm glad for all the wonderful memories, it's funny how I can see that despite being so ill I was still me. Now I'm just a shadow of myself, working kept me alive, I'm sure of it, I loved my job, I used to love getting up and going in, every day bought a new challenge and I thrived. Lyndon used to get annoyed at me because I worked or studied so hard, he was sure it's why I kept falling so ill. Me, well now I think otherwise, I so want to go back to work, I have a lifetime of experience and I was good, very good at what I did. I worked and studied between 1996 and 2000 going to Uni and getting my masters in HRM and HRD, my employers invested in me and paid for my education and I reaped the rewards as did they. Please god, I promise I'll be good, can I just have my life back one more time, I'm not ready to give it all up yet, I'm not ready for that wheel chair. I wish I could have my horse back and ride away, I miss that feeling of riding more than anything.