Quote:
Originally Posted by chrelsey
Pam,
I am so very sorry for everything that you are going through right now. As I read your post, my mind was filled with so many things to say - encouraging words - hopeful words. Like, "This is just the next chapter - it's going to be great!" Or, "Remember that this disease doesn't define us, and a wheelchair won't define you!"
That's what my "head" wanted to say.
But my "heart?" My heart was broken for you. And while we all know the truth of our situations, and while we strive to be hopeful and encouraging - maybe moreso for the loved ones in our lives than for ourselves - the truth is that sometimes this just really sucks.
So tomorrow I'll say all of those things. But today? Today my heart breaks with yours. Today I will simply sit beside you. Today I will let your pain be my pain - your yearning, my yearning.
It truly is so very hard sometimes. The countless procedures - holding my head high and trying to be brave as I walk into the procedure room, knowing all the while how very painful the procedure will be. Allowing myself that one, silent tear to run down my cheek while I am face down on that awful, torturous table, and then brushing it away and walking out with a smile on my face so that I can maybe help erase the worry creasing my sweet husband's face. The surgeries that knot my stomach up in fear . . . filling my body with metal and screws to help hold my spine together, and with cables and a battery pack that fills my every waking moment with buzzing . . . vibrations to help ease the constant pain.
And yet we trudge on. We hold our heads high, carefully applying our makeup of hope and smiles . . . yet inside . . . oh - how differently I feel on the inside sometimes. I'm scared. Frustrated. Angry. Sad.
So tomorrow - tomorrow I'll say all of the wonderful, encouraging things that we truly do need to hear and believe - because it really is all true - we will go on. We will stare down this beast and refuse to let it define, control, or intimidate us.
But today? Today my heart breaks with yours. Today I will simply sit beside you. Today I will let your pain be my pain - your yearning, my yearning.
=Becky
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Oh Becky, I'm crying as I read your note. In a good way, thank you so much!
As the tears slip from my eyelids, creating big silent trails slide softly down my cheeks I realise I'm crying with you for you, for me, and for all the rest of our family here on NT. We didn't choose this life. It chose us.
Today I will be strong again, today I will get my soldier pants on and march myself out that door. My mothers older sister of 85 has this past week had a knee replacement operation, she suffers with high blood pressure often 180 over 106, much much lower than it has been for many years since a kidney aorta operation in December2013. So I will march out the door and drive myself over to take mum to visit her only sister. Just a 30 minute hospital visit and I will say no to the coffee stop mum will want to make because later today I'm picking her up again at her request to drive her to my sisters who is hosting a BBQ for Australia Day celebrations. My sister understands, she says she has made the bed up and I can slip off and lie down whenever I need. Because as much as mum says she understands, in the next breath she is asking me to do things with that yearning look in her eyes, and so I say yes. Yes, as I can hear you all groaning, because I fear she herself is not long for this life, I can see the years have grown long in her face and her loneliness since dad passed of over two years now etched like lead pencil markings. These moments I spend of my time in my life will be worth it for when she is gone I will regret the times I declined.
Thank you Becky for rekindling me and encouraging me be back to being me. There is time enough down the track when I will have no choice other than to stop being me, that time will be when god has said enough is enough you have paid your penance and now you can rest.
Today I will be me, tomorrow I might be someone else, it's a strong possibility, these damn drugs can make me be anybody aye that's for sure.