Debi - I am on a plethora of psych meds. I don't want to add another, so I will just have to get through this the best I can. I think my biggest problem is ruminating. I can't seem to get this out of my mind for any period of time. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke-up this morning.

I try to exercise a lot, keep myself busy. We are selling our home - our dream home - that we are no longer able to afford due to being small business owners in a horrid economy. My husband is interviewing with a company in a different city. No help from me since I can't currently work. So along with all of this I am having to pack, look for a new place to rent in the new city, etc. It's all just too much.

Things just keep going from bad to worse. I'm really trying to hang in there.

Mornings are the worst. Afternoons a bit better, especially when I keep busy, but when I least expect it the "problem" enters my mind and my heart rate speeds-up, and I become scared. Thankfully, I'm sleeping better than I have been since I discovered this stuff. If I can sleep that's a huge thing.

I guess I just need some perspective. I tried making a list of things that could be worse, and came up with a LOT of things:

1. At least I haven't killed anyone
2. At least it's not a criminal record (but even this can be expunged)
3. At least it's not a nude photo or video of me
4. I'm not in jail
5. Everyone in my family is healthy

.....you get the idea.

At the end of the day, if the judge refuses to seal the record or at least remove my name, I will change my first name. It's only a small change - I will be adding two letters to the front of my first name, which will actually make it what people think it is when I'm introduced to them. The funny thing is, I have actually been talking about doing this change for a long time. I've never been very fond of my name - it's a shortened, abbreviated version of the correct name. Kinda like naming your kid Clay instead of Clayton. Or Ricky instead of Richard. I will still go by my original name, but for the purposes of publishing my name, like in a church directory, or applying for a new job, I will use my new name.

I've done a google search for the new name, first and last together, and the court case doesn't come up