I have spent half the day trying to decide what to say in this thread. It is hard for me to open myself up. But I've been urged to go ahead and do it so here goes and I apologize for the length of it:

There are several threads concerning people in the forum who are making donations to a fund to buy me a laptop. This was a huge surprise to me.

I am so humbled at the number of contributions, well wishes and the effort so many of you are putting out in order to purchase this laptop as a gift for me.

Yes, I told you it wasn't needed. I lied to you. But I want you to hear why I did.

I read this forum every day even if I don't post. I know about the medical issues that each of you have. None of us are free of medical bills or money that we are out to pay for prescriptions. I would not have wanted to worry that you might give up something in order to purchase this laptop for me.

My husband and I are both retired and have a good income but our budget is sorely stressed right now because of all of the emergencies that we have had to deal with. Mayo trip, traveling to Mayo, my husband's surgery, the medical issues that have come up since I returned from Mayo, with all of the broken bones, endless MRI's, tests, etc. and there is something I have not told you all.

My husband's only grandson suffered a stroke and was in a coma at Christmas last year. He was only 12 years old at that time. It is a real tragedy. We are helping out with the debts my stepson is incurring because of this problem. At this point the boy has had 5 brain surgeries and that young family is really struggling. My stepson isn't well himself. He has been diagnosed with a rare auto-immune disease and sometimes it is really hard for him to work. He is a wonderful person and I love him as I do the little boy. So there was no question as to whether or not we would help them.

I am not old enough for Medicare, so a lot of my medical bills are coming out of our pocket. Yes, I said that my husband would do anything in the world for me. And he would. But I would not ask him for a laptop because I knew he would get me one in spite of how ragged our budget would be. It was a matter of me knowing that we really couldn't afford one right now. And he didn't really know how much my on-line-friends mean to me and how much moderating my other forum means to me, so he never thought to ask.

The stay in the hospital was lonely. Often times I lay there in my bed and my imagination ran wild. I feared what would become of me, how I was going to manage at home with this horrific thing that seemed to be happening to me. I wondered if I'd ever walk again etc. I needed to ask questions. I wanted to know how others cope with a lot of things. I worried about the forum I moderate. A lot of my life is made up of emails, forums and searching for information to help myself and others. This happens to people who become chronically ill and are mostly housebound if they are computer literate. I have been that way long enough that most of my aquaintances have long since quit coming around. My life is lonely sometimes and nothing is worse than being in the hospital, alone, sick and in pain and being cut off from people you need.

I have learned that so many of you have contributed to a fund to purchase a laptop for me. It humbles me terribly. To know that so many of you think enough of me to do this..when I know that you all have medical issues yourself..brings me to tears. I'm sitting here typing this in tears and gratitude and awe to learn how very many wonderful and good people think enough of me to do this for me.

A laptop would really be of good use. I see my life ahead of me. I struggle every single day. I try to remain optomistic and happy and for the most part do so. But my body seems to be coming apart in spite of all I do. So I can really see that more trips to the hospital are ahead for me. And I can also see more time in bed. A laptop would be wonderful and I am deeply appreciative of it and all you all did in order for me to have one. I just really don't know what to say except thank you from the bottom of my heart. And I hope I can help to do the same or something similar for someone else next time.

With my deepest appreciation and love,
Billye