I chose my name based on the label that I was given. In their world that was suppose to be an expression of negative behaviour, resistance and lack of compliance. Of course growing up I didn't really understand that.

Nowadays I understand it to mean something different. I understand and embrace it as an experience of trauma that was so pronounced that it altered and affected the core of my spirit and personality. I reject the BPD label and yet feel acknowledged by the trauma model and C-PTSD.

In reality I struggle with relationships, emotional regulation, expression and belonging. I fear abandonment and I live in a very isolated world because I find it difficult to be close and manage connection. I am extreme. Maybe am black or white. I'm not sure if I suffer from alexithymia. It's hard to differentiate between that and my worlds that are dissociated, compartmentalised and fragmented.

My life was very impacted by abuse and neglect and was further implicated by youth homelessness. I belong to a group of people who are invisible and whilst I function within society my work remains challenging

I hate the over use of the word resilience. It suggests I can survive, which I did, but does not recognise or value the cost. I am lost and I remain challenged by this life. I am 45.

My current issues remain centred on relationships and the value of my life. I struggle with systems, my therapist and in suicide. My only purpose in life is what I owe to my daughter. Suicide would just reproduce another generation of trauma

Right now though things are tough and my pull towards dying is strong. For my daughter I hope that she is enough to keep me here.