MeBP

Thank you for having the courage to talk with us about it. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. My condolences on the loss of your brother.

I don't have any daughters, but I have a very close relationship with my son. I credit my mother for this because she taught me how NOT to be a mother. From the beginning, I made it clear to my son he could talk with me about anything. Fortunately for me, my face was paralyzed by the time he was a teenager, so the shock over content didn't show so much.

When he was home on leave recently, before he returned to the base he played this song on the piano for me. It's called "A Song for Mama" by Boyz2Men. It made me cry. Here's the lyrics:

You taught me everything
And everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah
There isn't anything
Or anyone that I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side
You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were grey
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You will always be you always will be the girl
In my life for all times

Chorus:
Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
Yes it is

You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did
And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on
There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me
And say to me I can face anything
And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be
You will always be the girl in my life

*****
I've referred to my mother as "wicked" in the past, and I'll probably continue to do so. We developed a mutual hatred for each other that can't be denied. If she were still alive, she'd probably use the same name to describe me.

However, I understand NOW what made her appear wicked to me. I've forgiven her completely, so I hold nothing but love for her now. She could have - and would have - been a great mother if she would have been given the chance.

I also understand why I appeared so wicked to her. It may sound strange, but I believe she's forgiven ME. There are times when I'm laid up in bed racked with pain. I think of my mom, especially when I'm missing my son. I think of myself as a child, and the only words that come to mind are "you ungrateful little bi*tch" (comparing my childhood behavior to my son). I think of my mom out there somewhere giggling at me and saying "Hurts, don't it? - I'm sorry you're in pain."

It's not possible for me to be with my son now. I can only care from a distance, but he knows I want him to remain strong and true. I want his needs to be met, and I want him to be content with life.

It's not possible for your mother to be with you now. I don't mean to step on any religious toes, but I strongly believe she's also caring from a distance and wants you to be happy.