Originally Posted by PamelaJune

Yes they do indeed need to be more upfront, I'm so sorry you have to go through all that you do Ger. You have to wonder sometimes what is gods plan for us who suffer with this often unbearable pain. Are we the guinea pigs for future life and the trials we suffer are paving the way for better health for them. You have gone through so very much.

To my mothers horror, but more recently acceptance, I've said that if it comes to chemo I will not be participating, the pain I live with now will not be cured, I awake from my bed every day often thinking what time will it be when I can get back in. I will not go to bed during the day, an ingrained habit left over from childhood. My waking moments long for the moment my evening drugs kick in and knock me out, for however brief that often is. The peace that comes with being knocked out beckons me throughout the day. Sadly, my pain wakes me, or as I more recently learned, I'm still crying in my sleep. Anyway, I won't be taking chemo so that I can continue to live this pain filled life. I know that sounds selfish and I don't mean to denigrate anyone else who undertakes chemo, for most, it is a cure to live a pain free and wonderful life. It's just not for me.

Hugs to you Gerry, this life that has chosen us obviously didn't pick us at random, I read these posts and I can see, really see there are many of us on here who are battlers and survivors. It must be gods plan, I hope so, and I hope when we face our final moments all will be revealed.