hi bp.....
i was the luckiest girl in the world to have had the best mother and bestest friend..but she left this world way to early--she was only 53--and has been gone for 14 yrs now..i have still not stopped grieving for her.. i don't know how to..lloking back into my childhood should bring happiness and sometimes it does but mostly i feel like a big part of my soul is missing...i have thought of leaving this world so many times just to be with her..but she left me with 2 handicapped adopted brothers to raise and love..to give them the best of myself in her memory..to complete her legacy of caring for our boys.. then david, oh my david, left me in 2005..besides my mom he was my all.. we cured each others pains with only a touch and a smile.(david could not talk)
he left me because an aide in the hospital didn't do her job as she was instructed and he fractured his leg,wound up with phnemonia,after his surgery, and died in my arms... my life (if you can call it a life) has been nothing since he has gone too...
my other brother,Terry, is autistic and i still am here for him physically but mentally i am nowhere.. i am looking for a group home for him so he will have a better life..i can not give to him the love he so deserves..i am a failure at all i touch.. to have so much love taken away from me is too much to handle..i sit here and wonder why?? why can't i just walk away from everything and everybody?? why the hell am i still here in so much pain?? selfish me needs and wants them back so much...david was in allot of pain for most of his life..we adopted him when he was 6 months old and the drs said he would not live to see his first birthday(dec.25,1980) my mom and me kept him alive for 25 yrs. and to have him die cuz someone was too lazy just to sit by the side of his hospital bed(while i went to the bathroom for 20 min) and she sat in the hall.. he had complications and left me alone.. even in a crowd i am alone..
it bothers me too when i hear people badmouthing their mothers..i try to understand that all are not as special as mine was.. my doctor told me 14 yrs ago, when i was diagnosed with rsd and many other numerous problems since then, "i was put on this earth to be tortured..and live forever"..i really was praying that he was wrong...but as of now..he is right on target...no matter what i could do to myself..it would only hurt me more and i would still be here...--off to watch the boob tube as i have not been sleeping ..peaceful night to us all--moonstar