I feel your pain - literally. I understand the cry from the depths of your soul to LIVE. Good for you for making plans for the game, and to travel back to the town where you were born. I will be praying that during both of these outings - each with their own unique challenges - that you will be kept safe, your pain manageable, and that these times will bring a ray of joy and happiness into your days.

I understand, too, how hard it is to clean. Vacuuming is so hard - but when I finally dragged mine out one day last week, all I could see was the dust and dirt, and I began cleaning with a vengeance - even vacuuming the dust from the ceilings. I paid dearly for it for a couple of days, but I can't stand a dirty house, yet I also can't bear the pain that it causes to clean it . . . so I have had to let some things go. I agree - dusting is WAY overrated! Haha!

My birthday is in 10 days - I will be 50. As I look to the future I want so much more. This was supposed to be the year everything turned around - SCS is in place, diet is almost finished (yay!), I was going to be able to start pulling my weight on the farm with the chickens - as well as with the new miniature goats we are getting this month (another yay - they are so cute!). But the challenges just keep coming. I'm frustrated - my leads may have moved, as I tend to lose connection frequently - my rep wants me to get an X-ray to either confirm or deny that reality. Also, my pain management doctor has decided that now is the time to wean me completely off of my pain meds - even though he knows I'm having issues with my stim and that my pain level on a good day is a 5, and on a bad day a 7, with more bad days than good. He said that once I'm off completely, we can determine if I perhaps need to go onto a long-term, more effective pain med. I understand his reasoning, but I don't understand why not just make the med change instead of insisting that I be off of all pain meds for a month. What value is there in me being in so much pain? What will that tell him? How will that help? I'm frustrated with the process, and with a doctor who can so easily dismiss my pain by saying, "I know you're strong - you can handle it." But I'm not "strong" anymore - chronic pain has a way of sucking that strength right out of me, and as I gradually wean off of these meds and my pain increases, I continue to dread the weeks when I am not on anything at all.

But in the midst of pain, a dirty house (*smile*), etc., I have to remember to redirect my thoughts, my eyes, and see all of the blessings. Our middle daughter is a week-and-a-half past her due date, so that means that any day now (hopefully!), I will have another sweet little grandbaby to snuggle and kiss! They live almost five hours away, and as soon as little Kaalyn makes her appearance, we are hopping in the car to go up there so that she can meet her Mimi and Papi! We can only stay overnight, as we are only paying someone to take care of the animals for one night, but what an incredible blessing - a new baby.

New life.
New hope.

A reminder that the world is bigger than my pain, and that my perspective needs to be, as well.

Sorry for such a long ramble. Fluff? Maybe. I've been silent - lurking - for so many weeks now - feeling like anything that I typed would sound like I was complaining, and I never want to have a complaining spirit - but rather one that encourages and uplifts others. Even though I haven't posted, I check the forum several times a day and read everyone's posts. And as I read, I pray for each of you - your struggles and your burdens - and I pray for all of us - that our days will hold special, surprise blessings to remind us that every day truly is a gift.

=Becky