Thank you all for the wonderful support! I've read every word, twice!

I've always known my mother and I share a toxic relationship which stems back to my childhood. The sexual abuse started when I was 8yrs old, and she did used to tell me it was wrong and my job next time was to say "no" and stop him. It is true that he (my monster) was a soft man, I only had to yell at him and he would have stopped, but I didn't know that at the time.

When I was a teenager, one day while my mother was out he tried it again, and I lost it, big time. I cornered him in the laundry and got all my pent up anger out, spitting at his face, kicking him, swearing uncontrollably. He ran out of the house and we didn't see him for 2 weeks. When I found out he'd had a nervous breakdown, I was pleased, and hoped he would be institutionalized. But, he came home.

My mother told me that she stayed with him for financial reasons, so that my brother and I could have a private education, a roof over our heads, etc. I realize now, she was prostituting me for a 'good' lifestyle. I hated her for a long time when that realization hit. My 20's were motherless, she was just as bad as him for allowing it to continue, for keeping me in that situation.

Anyways, fast forward to about 15yrs ago, and I forgave her. Truly, and completely. Now, if I mention the past she gets all upset and tells me I'm punishing her. So, it's a taboo topic. Soon, my PN will be taboo also.

I realize now, just this moment as I write this. I am a MUCH stronger woman than my mother ever was.

There I go again!! Rant rant rant. I'm resisting the urge to delete what I just wrote, but I think it's good to leave it there, as it helps you guys understand me more I think.

Debi!! Ohhh there seem to be so many Debbie's on this board.

Debi, I am so very glad you were able to get that out and feel the relief too. Isn't it great!! It's so refreshing to just release it into the universe.

I don't think it would be so therapeutic if we were to write in a journal for nobody to see. Somehow, knowing that others who TRULY understand are reading my words, really helps. I know that I won't be judged by you all. I know I can write anything and will receive support in return, not judgement.

Thank you, thank you all for being so supportive. If one good thing has come of this horrible condition, it is that I've met you. If I wake up tomorrow and the miracle has come, and I no longer feel pain. I will still come here for a chat. Ohhh wouldn't that be nice! Bit of a dreamer, I am.