How I can relate. No family will read any of these posts. I suffer chronic back and left arm pain, I have PN, fibromyalgia, compromised immune system, a dodgy bowel, C5/6 degenerating, thoracic compression fractures to T3,4,5&6 and it is crumbling, had 3 lumbar spine fusions, last one now called failed back surgery syndrome..., had an SCS implant and had problems with the implant, have had a number of RFA's, FJI's, disc injections and nerve blocks and they are now exploring doing another fusion to L2/3... And my mum says, oh well I would have thought you would be better now. She continually asks me to go out to restaurants or for coffee despite knowing I no longer earn an income and am uncomfortable to sit for any longer than 15 minutes in any chair...

My brother beat me up at age 16, I was 10 days out of hospital from my first spinal fusion, I was saved by his "friend" who stepped in and pulled him off me, while my brothers girlfriend screamed at him saying leave him alone leave him alone... My friend who was 15 and I escaped returning together when mum was home from work to tell her what had happened. my mum asked my brother and his girlfriend and he said no I didn't and his girlfriend (now wife) said he didn't lay a finger on me. My brothers friend had left the house and I didn't ask where he was. Mum told me I was telling lies and would listen no further. Fortunately dad got home and I told him what happened and raised my shirt to show the evidence as my back brace was damaged in the incident. Dad confronted my brother and he admitted yes he did hit me and throw me against the wall. I was so upset my mum didn't believe me I asked permission to spend the night at my friends house. Unbeknown to us, my brothers "friend" followed us to his house and at 11pm knocked on the front door, it was school holidays and his parents were away. We opened the door and in the dim light seeing it was my brothers "friend" who had earlier saved me we allowed him to enter the house.

Well, I can hear you all saying what, why, how.. My male friend was /is gay, his parents and my parents always assumed when we were together we were safe and it was obvious to all there was no hanky panky going on. My brothers friend had changed his appearance slightly which became more apparent once he was indoors in the light and the front door locked behind him, he had added to his clothing a leather jacket patched with a well known bikie logo, leather gloves with the fingers removed and knuckle dusters on his fingers. He had on heavy scuffed leather boots and held what looked like a dogs choker chain swinging from his hands. My friend and I gathered in the laundry hugging each other in sheer terror, I was still recovering from my 13 week stint in hospital, my spine fusion and was painfully thin and a small person to boot. We were coerced out of the laundry with the threat if I didn't come out my friend would pay for it, both dragged to the bedroom and locked in. Ironically the windows with security screens to keep people out prevented us from escaping. Minutes passed, our terror grew. Then the lights went out, the fuse box opened and the power turned off. The bedroom door slowly opened my friend fainted and what followed was tortuously slow and I took my mind to another place....

The next morning we, my friend and I ran to my parents house to say what had happened. Mum, I learned had met my brothers friend while he was neatly dressed, he had apparently had dinner there the night previously. Dad had already left for work, my brother and his girlfriend were flying back to Sydney that day and mum was in a mood to not listen again. She told me I had caused enough trouble the day before with my accusations and she had met my brothers friend and he was a perfectly decent man... On no account was I to upset my brother or tell my father and worry him. Once again not believed. Her explanation, my brother was in the airforce and no way would he associate with a bikie. Lol, my angry brother who had a girlfriend whose brother was a bikie and locked up in prison for 20 years... Oh well, my mind went to another place, I blotted it out, time passed and I travelled away had 2 breakdowns by the time I was 21 and hospitalised (much to mums shame). More time passed and I moved away further to eventually leave the country and only see mum on holidays. I had a bad car accident and finally returned home, then dad died and it all came flooding back I don't know why. I've had help, I accept it happened and nothing can change it. My brother got very angry when the subject was raised, his wife totally cracked it, my mother cried. I know she feels the guilt, but doesn't like to admit, accept or own that she let me down. My sister believes.

Like you, I try to get on with things and I really did, I had a highly successful career and worked hard living a wonderful life. It all came crashing to a halt in 2012 with yet another broken back and I'm trying hard now to get some fixes and get back into the workplace.

I feel for you and what you had to endure as a child, you were let down so badly. Those things that happened to us made us strong though. Having dealt with mental anguish for so long, it's prepared us to deal with physical pain, yes there are days when we have our pity pot out and we stoke it, but more often than not we grit our teeth and get on with it. When we make the effort to wear makeup to "look" good and make ourselves feel good. People mistake that for us feeling better. I can't be bothered to correct them, I hate talking about being in pain, no-one is going to believe me anyway....

There is a thread on NT called "this is just a place to vent". It's on the SCS forum and a lovely lady does exactly that. Perhaps we could join her and post our vents there, it is cathartic to write things out, I know, I've done it a few times now here and there on various threads and apologised to other users. I even got round to apologising for "fluffing" but, getting these things out and sharing is a huge part of healing. There is also a thread dedicated to "fluff" thanks to one of our fellow SCS forum NT users and we could also use that thread to vent... I do feel the release that comes after I've got things out of my head and I really do think it's an important part of our healing. Wherever we write our stories and whenever we write our stories, it's good for us. Holding on like "holding in wind" only makes you uncomfortable.

Feel understood, people on this site get you. I hope you find pain relief and can be as well as you can be.