There is no shame in how you feel. Many of us here have gone down the yellow brick road, and not found home yet. The suffering we all go through, try as I do, I cannot come to grips with it. I hear your pain, and I feel it too. I am not what I was either. Pain does change a person, and sometimes not in a good way. There have been times in my life too, that I didn't want to wake up. I know several others on NT who feel this way right now as you do.

Faith can shrivel right up, hope gets dashed, and here we sit, unable to do anything to relieve the suffering. You are right, living beyond ones ability to cope, does cause the very darkest of thoughts.

There are new things being tried if you search hard enough. Ketamine infusions for pain and depression are on the cutting edge. I know the ketamine works, as I had it for my spinal problems. Tampa Hospital has a clinic and trial studies are going on around the world. Keep some shred of hope there, that you can find this kind of help. There are others on NT right now who are trying Ketamine infusions for pain. JAMA the medical journal has articles from doctors around the world using this. It can be accessed through your public library, and if you are good on the PC, through the internet as well.

Come here to talk, all you can. I never left this site, as the folks here got me through my own darkest pain and fear. Nobody will think negative of you for expressing yourself. We offer support, and maybe some ideas to help you get to the next step. I too have PN, and multiple approaches have helped me. However I don't consider it so bad, as it is only in one limb so far.....

What kind of relationship do you have with your doctors? Have they offered nothing to you that eases the pain at all??????? Have you considered a physiatrist???? This isn't a psychiatrist, it is a doctor who for the most part thinks outside the box. I started acupuncture, and I will stick with it to see if there is any relief.

Anger does have a purpose. I get angry no question about that. I have driven friends away from me, as My temper isn't in check all the time. However it has propelled me to take the unconventional routes, which have helped.

CBC's in MM, are being tried for PN. You take the THC out of the product, and people are saying that it helps for PN. 6 brothers out in Colorado, can ship anywhere in the country, as that part of MM is not illegal. Use a vaporizer for the oil, and there is no smoke either. It is worth a try to see if you get any relief at all. I would smoke a tomato plant if I thought it would help me.....Doc Smith, here on NT has access to some recent articles about this. PM him and I am sure he will send you the links.
What is important, is that you" don't give up". Fight even more for your life. Your family needs you, and there still can be moments of great joy in life.
Scream if you must, holler, go someplace to rage, then get going on trying to find some help. I will be thinking of you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I will also be here, around the boards and will listen to you anytime you have need. You are not alone in this. I do care. ginnie