I agree with what DrSmith just said. There is very little to add when so many have already said such great stuff. I just want to add my support.

I have read your posts in the past, I always sorta relate in an odd way, since I have twins myself. I think of you and your situation and others like you, who must provide for your family and continue to work despite what hellish pain you are going through. I feel ashamed because I am not the provider, I dont have to work, yet I feel all the emotions you described. I can not imagine the burden you carry above and beyond physical and emotional pain knowing a family relys on you. It brings tears and pain to my heart. I wish so much that I could say or do something to relieve even one moment of the pain and fear you feel.

As a Christian, I always thought I was a strong woman, able to stand firm in any trial. I still feel that way, but not in the same way. My faith is still strong but has altered in ways that is hard to describe. I would never commit suicide but my mind wonders how on earth I will live with chronic pain another 50 years. Is it the same to wish something may happen to me to end it instead of suicide? My pain is not that bad yet, and Iam thankful. But its the thoughts of 50 more years and what is to come that leads me down that dark path. I remind myself to live in the moment, or the hour, or the day.

Fear is my real bondage. Fear can kill you more than physical pain. Fear messes with your mind and holds you in bondage, unable to move or breath or think cohearent thoughts. Fear is a stronghold that can literally kill you in my opinion. When I control the fear I break loose of its bondage.

My heartfelt prayers are with you, and while those are only words to you I still believe they are the most powerful thing I can do for someone and the most powerful thing someone can do for me.