Tos, You shouldn't feel guilty about what you said to that girl. You were young and trusted your surgeon. When we're young, we see the world in rose colored glasses. We think everyone and everything is good and okay. We trust more easily and are manipulated more easily because we haven't been in touch with the real world yet. So please don't blame yourself. Your surgeon is to blame. She shouldn't have manipulated and intimidated a young person and shouldn't be a surgeon doing surgery on anyone. But unfortunately, alot of them continue to hide their mistakes and keep working. Before I got rsd, I trusted all of my drs completely and did everything they asked me to do and never questioned them. I was older but still naive and because of my low self esteem, easily influenced. Not anymore. I question everything my drs say now and everything they have me sign like hippa forms and med release forms. I get second and third and sometimes fourth opinions and I don't worry about hurting their feelings anymore. They didn't care about my feelings when they hurt me, so why should I care about theirs. I hate being like that but feel that we all have to be on our guard with drs to protect ourselves. We still need them unfortunately, and there are some that are good, but we still should always be careful. I hope you go to see Schwartzmans team. It can't hurt to talk to them. I may call and ask to be on their waiting list too. I want to check into what Tessa's doing too. She is amazing. I hope your visit works out for you. If you could let me know how it goes, that would be great. I'll be rooting for you my friend. And again, please don't feel guilty. You have nothing to be sorry for. You have been a victim just like that girl. I'm sure she's okay and getting the help she needs. You have to take care of you and put it behind you. Someone once told me how do you move on from a mistake you think you made that you can't change. They said it's not what you did that matters anymore, it's what you do with what you learned from it from now on that matters. We can't go back my friend and you're not the only one who's done this. I've done things that were wrong because I let others intimidate and manipulate me because of my low self esteem. The fact that you feel guilty makes you a good person because you show remorse. And if it bothers you that much and you are religious, then maybe see a priest or minister and ask for forgiveness. Ask God for forgiveness. God forgives if you let him. I've asked him many times for forgiveness. It helps me to move on. I hope you can find the strength to move on too so that you can find some peace. I will pray that you do. You are a good person and an amazing person too and don't ever forget it! With love, Renee.

PS - And Tos, most importantly of all, forgive yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. You were manipulated by a bad doctor. I can see why it's so hard to forgive her, but she will have to answer for what she did someday. I believe that. Don't let her have any more control over you. I know the anger you feel. I feel it too, but am trying to let it go by putting that bad dr of mine out of my head. These bad drs are not worth our time. Use your time and energy to take care of yourself and to get better. I'll be praying that you do. Love, Renee.