Hi Everyone,

I just read this post, and I know exactly how you all are feeling. I have improved with my Neuro rehab, and I am so grateful to have been able to participate in a wonderful program. I am a medical professional who had 18 years of practice before the injury. The Neuro rehab team thinks I can eventually return to work (initially thought my former profession), but now that they have done other tests with processing speeds, visual-spatial activities, multi-tasking, and visual motor skills they do not think this is possible at my current status.

I also told them I do not feel capable of direct patient care anymore, and I feel I would be putting them at risk, which they all agreed was true. It is hard to accept giving up a career I really enjoyed, but I know the potential danger in returning if I am no longer capable of helping people.

I also have not returned to my musical outlet because I am not capable of playing guitar or singing for more than 2-3 songs, and I played and sang in 2 bands where we would play up to an hour to 1 1/2 hours ( about 12 songs) with little to no break.
I can't even consistently sing along to songs in the radio as I once loved to, but at least I can sing and play for even a short time.

It is hard to accept the visible and "invisible" changes brought on by a brain injury. I find it especially hard to continue to "press on" when it seems like I have reached a plateau in some areas. This injury is much harder to recover from than others, because there is no set time limit or expectation of recovery period. And I find it particularly frustrating when I seem capable of doing a task one day, then incapable of doing the same thing on another day, like taking down important messages for appointment dates and times. I messed this up so much, I begin not to trust myself.

I am not losing hope, I am simply trying to find a place of internal peace which says I am where I am now, and if it never changes I can live with it. I am always hoping for healing, but I found a journal from last August, and I couldn't believe how much had changed, but also what really hasn't changed for me. Had one of those moments that you all felt when looking at pre-injury pictures.

I am in the process of getting a referral to a Neuro-optometrist to help with my visual-spatial deficit (tested 6% last week out of 100%-yikes!). I don't know what will come of this. Also doing multiple tests to find out about the nature of "spells" which have sent me to the ER by ambulance twice within a month. It's a never-ending doctor's appointment, but I am grateful for the ability to get referral to the doctors and try to figure out everything.

I am mostly grateful for the recovery I have had, but struggling with accepting what might be permanent losses and the new me, too. Such a fine wire to walk across. Please take care, everyone. I am grateful to have you all to commiserate with.
M-i-m