I'm so sorry Allanira....we've all been down to the pit of despair at times, and it really is a bleak and awful place to be. Remember that although you feel very alone right now, there are many of us here who know that place, and we do understand. You aren't alone.

Any doctor, nurse, colleague, friend, stranger, anybody who calls you something unfair, just ignore every spiteful word of it, because one day they will find out what it feels like to struggle, and they will hate it, all the more so because they were so scornful of people they knew so little about. Anyone who can say those things does not know you, what your life is, what you are going through. So their opinion has no merit whatsoever. It doesn't matter what they think of you, because they know nothing. Of course it hurts, but you know the truth. You know you are not those things.

Just hang on. It's all you can do. Remember that your children don't just vakue you for what you can do, they value who you are. They value the time that they spend with you, not how many things you did. They will remember the smiles and talks and hugs and laughter, no matter where you were at the time.

Remember also that your children, who make you proud with their accomplishments, are there because of you. Not just because you gave them life, but because you have been the guiding force for them. You might not be able to do the things you want, but the fact that your children can do things is because of you. Second-hand enjoyment of life is not fair, but it's better than just being trapped there with no experience of the life outside at all. Your children and family bring you that life through their stories and experiences. It hurts, and of course you grieve for the person you were, and your lost dreams, but you have them coming back there, you aren't alone.

I'm sorry if that sounded preachy, I know I can do that sometimes . I've just been out in public for the first time in goodness knows how many months. Just into our town to an exhibition thing. I only lasted half an hour, and I was so nervous at being out, getting knocked or my back giving out on me... I'm glad I went, but oh boy do I hurt now. Sigh. The price we pay for something so tiny to anyone else....it's bizarre really, how completely your life as you knew it can disappear. I am not the person I was. I am more cautious, nervous, scared. I second-guess everything, and every situation. I have to know in advance where everything is, how far is it, how long might it take me. I don't dawdle, if there's something I want to see I just want to get there and see it, so that I can turn and go back to safety. To the prison. But at leat I am on day-release sometimes now. I value every moment of my time outside, because not very long ago I was just in here for months. I know I'm lucky.

While I was out I saw a very old lady in a wheelchair being pushed along. She had lost a leg and was a small cramped figure in the chair. She had the look of someone who knows pain too well. I thought, well if she can do it, good luck to her. I caught her eye as she passed and smiled. I hope I get to be older only if I can still get out sometimes and see the world.

Just hang on. You are worth hanging on for

Bram