*tying short bungie cords to EM's ankles & knees*

Oh, quit your whining. You look so good.

*hooking bungie cords to his wrists*

It does NOT hurt, it's all in your head!

*connecting series of bungie cords to idling semi engine*

For the next several hours, Empathy Man, you will have tremors. Your assignment is to sew the buttons back onto your shirt (that were lost in central lower MI), fill out important medical documents on which you must PRINT LEGIBLY, write several checks for bills, and did I mention you get a splitting headache for free?