i went looking for it

i do not entertain facebook
was interested how my son was doing
blaming me for e v e r y t h i n g in his entire
he just posted something scientifically
proven to be exposed to severe stress
inflicted on a young child has damaging
effect

i make no excuses what an overbearing alcoholic
single divorced mother who brought on so much hatred
and i hope he is getting help for any pain i inflicted

my son has a complete backwards understanding
why i had no permanent relationship with any man
and that i hate men

my sessions with my therapist has my side of the reality
to my very CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT AGAIN NOT to become
involved with no other until my children were grown
raising them was not by far easy
only Michael cannot dump all his problems on my lap
i own up to my drinking that i'm sure embarrassed them
on a few occasions
point
i cannot say i am sorry for his unhappy ways
as i have been a open book
i tell my children
"if i did 50% better than my parents did i made a change
or attempted to even in that state
and when i became sober he couldn't pull his crap
holding him responsible for certain chores
point damage already done
even in that short of time
it progressed
point so i go looking
not even looking into the scientific finding
but i do remembering him posting
"another reason to point a finger at my mother"
well that cut me up

the truth of the matter
i had a problem with a father who violated me as a little girl
till i left when at seventeen
my mother knew as i happened to my sister also
but the thing is
i leave at seventeen married for all the wrong reasons
what did i know about the world
so promises promises until i had my third child
a husband was reverting to old bad habits drinking and drugs
i sanely divorced him
and the crappy thing is he always had visitation rights i
encouraged
my ex lost sight of his three young children as his obsession with "if i can't have you, no one will went on for about five or six years the moment we separated was the moment i became
empowered
i wasn't going to fall apart
he never paid child support
this all documented i needed for them
never to do as my son is attempting to punish for his
unhappy life

if i couldn't trust the first man a little girl falls in love with
is suppose to be her daddy
that didn't happen in my case
with unusual dysfunctional dynamics to our family

if i couldn't trust my ex to be a father to them

then what doesn't my son understand
i knew i was a hot mess especially during
my ovulation time
that is only recognized today as a disease

look he knows he's a big boy
irresponsible in many ways
so bright
so beautiful
so much loved and wish he wasn't suffering

i will not stand up and remind my son
i did the best i did
i never changed my phone number to this day
specifically so he couldn't say he could not contact them

and that's what infuriates me
i NEVER hid ANYTHING from my children
and not to throw some of this mommy hurt me
pick yourself up and live your life as you see fit
to say having an absent parent his father
and think that hasn't played a role
he never took me to court is my response to him
when he says i never allowed him visitation
had them ready every Sunday one day a short lived
arrangement Sunday 8:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M.
again short lived never called to find out why
had them ready the following Sunday again a no show
he was living with mommy and daddy

i think you all get the picture

my boy
i recognized at an early age
an introverted little boy
took him to a therapist
did several specific tests
to help the doctor in reaching his milestones
i always knew Michael had difficulties
hence his close relationship with his oldest sister
and me being single
by choice
it was okay to take and take and take over the years

"another reason to point a finger at my mother"

really

me