Sounds like you need some help as far as that goes. I understand the difficulty your going through, but refusing to leave is not healthy medically or physically.

I suggest finding a person who you trust and can confide in and have them take you. We are all here for help, but the only one that can truly help you is you.

Just a quick bit, I served in the military and ill never forget the words my ti said to us as we all got off the bus. We were mostly all a bunch twerpy scared 17 and 18 year olds. He lined us up, and before anything was done, he said that he is a monster. Tho shall not fear him, nor fear any man, because the demons in your head will make you fear more than any man. After I am done with all of you, you will be demon hunters.

I have that enscribed on a few things I have left from the military. Basically our mind is our own worst demon. If you conquer that, you can conquer all. That motto has pulled me off of the ledge of the depression pit many a times these past 7 months. Im still in a war right now with these demons, as are you and most of us here, but we will not falter because we are second to none, hua!

Ps: that took me a while to type up cuz of my cognitive issues, but it just goes to show with a little time anything is possible. Stay strong and dont give up.