Thank you, MarkNeil. I find it hard to talk him (or anyone, for that matter) into getting help when the person has a hard time seeing that there is something to get help for. I adore my husband... if he had died, his would not have been the only heart to stop beating that day. That being said, he's stubborn as the day is long. I've dealt with a lot of "I know I almost died, but I didn't and now I'm ok" And that behavior persists to this day. I sort of thought that as he gained a better awareness of the impairments and limitations that he has, that that would soften with time. (And I am sure it will... someday) So far, it hasn't. Because with an awareness of how his body is revolting against him (the other night he said he kept dropping things because his fingers wouldn't work) also comes a determination to be who he was before. Well to a point, anyway... to physically be who he was before. Mentally, he has become very introspective about the person he once was, and past mistakes that he has made. Looking at this as a second chance on life... That is the positive change, he does try to self-analyze why things are the way they are. Perhaps, however, he should be doing so on a therapists couch. He doesn't have to go alone... I'm happy to attend, if he feels he needs me there. I have always felt therapy is an intensely private thing and that if there are things he wants to say that he doesn't want me to hear, I can wait outside in the waiting room... but if he wants me there, I am happy to be there, too. The choice is his.

In almost 15 years of marriage, I have seen him willingly see a doctor 3 times. Once because of a car accident we were in (we were sitting still in traffic when another car rear-ended us going 40 miles an hour- she wasn't looking) and twice for chest pains. All three times the doctors told him he needed to stay the night, all three times he refused help and checked himself out. The only reason he stayed in in-patient rehab is because he had no legal authority to leave. The hardest thing I had to do was leave him there, with him not of sound mind, and ranting and raving that he had the right to leave when he wanted to and that I needed to take him home. Every day he was there, I dealt with this. Broke my heart over and over again to see him that way. My brilliant husband... like a caged animal.

It is helpful, though... being here. Sharing his story... and having people like you tell me it does get better. It's not so much me that I worry about. If it weren't for the kids, I'd happily sit up in the bedroom with him all day. He's my best friend in the world.... him and our 14 year-old daughter. I enjoy his company... I enjoy the talks we have. I'd sit with him all day, if I could... but someone has to watch the kids. Feed them. Teach them. (homeschooled) Take care of them. I do find myself torn, because they all need me and he gets very upset when I spend too much time away from him, even when I'm with the kids. My concern here is for my husband... his quality of life. I understand he'll never be 100% the same. But I have seen flashes of that person... He can't be getting much out of life sitting on our bed watching TV... He will lose track of his days, too. He can tell you, in the aftermath, that he had a bout of depression where he stayed in our bedroom for days... but he can't tell how many days he was like that. Or he can have a flash where he realizes what he's doing- and say "I haven't been downstairs in x number of days" but he can't seem to correct it. He will feel bad about it. Tell me that he realizes I've been the one downstairs doing all the cleaning and say "I need to help you more" or realize he hasn't spent much time with the kids and say "I need to help you with their education more"... but does nothing about it. I just don't want him to feel like he missed out on years of our kids growing up... whether he returns to work or gets disability, that is an issue, sure... but right now, he's hardly an active participant in the household. And I know he feels bad about that... but I'm not sure how to help him with it. Like I said, if I make plans to take the kids out, he will drag his feet but go along (and need the entire next day to sleep) but he doesn't take the initiative, he can't stay out as long as he used to, he complains while we are out, can't tolerate heat, has trouble helping me with the kids... I know someday he's going to look back and wish that he was more of an active participant in their lives through this. I don't mind the naps... in fact, I encourage all the rest he can get... but just by the simple act of coming downstairs once in a while and sitting with the kids, would make me happy... and would thrill our kids. Sit and watch a movie with them. If you can sit on the bed and watch tv... no reason you can't sit on the couch next to our four year old and do it. At least I think... I don't push him to do it... I let him go at his own pace... should I push him more?