how do I get through my darkestdays? Well I can barely make it to the bathroom anymore because I am so dizzy. The pain and burning in my head spine and arms is almost constant. I have no bank account and don't see how I would survive financially in the coming years.

I am 170 pounds overweight with palpitations and the pain doesn't help my heart. I am 46. I compulsively check the stock market everyday and have watched it double and triple over the past 5 years and I figure out on the computer how much my 401k would have been worth if I didn't have to empty it out. It is an insane thing to do but my obsessive compulsiveness is off the charts.

I used to deal with my darkest days by once taking 60 xanax and another time trying to hang myself but I was too heavy and ripped the vent out of the ceiling. I hurt my neck badly in that case and both times it was mandatory i was sent to the psychiatric ward.

sometimes I daydream and make believe I am laying down in bed with the wife and child I would have had if I did not get myself sick at 37. sometimes I make believe I'm playing ball with the Son I don't have.

sometimes I imagine my child playing with the children of my childhood friends who have none of them called me in years since I got sick and who I thought I would grow old with. I occasionally think about the many friends at my job who I lost.and I think somtimes about the job that I enjoyed and thought I would retire at. I get through my darkest days by knowing that I probably only have another year or two left in this condition with so many pounds and cholesterol and triglycerides that are off the charts..but it.doesn't bother me nearly as much as you think.

Life is a game of cards and I played my hand. It's as simple as that. I don't have children which seems to be the driving force for a lot of people on here nor do I have the fight of a 20 year old and the hope that goes along with it.

I do not have Mark in Idahos stoic resolve. my nieces and nephews think I am a bum and the rest of my family thinks I have severe mental illness or a drug addiction. how could an unseen head injury cause so much damage and loss they ask? I even have moderators and experts from this website question how the pills I took and alcohol I drank with it could cause so much damage. I tell them to take the same medication in the same dose and drink the same amount of liquor I did and see what happens. Arrogance combined with ignorance is a dangerous combination sometimes.

It is what it is. There are six billion people on the planet. One more life give or take isn't going to change anything. I am NOT looking for sympathetic responses or pity.

I took incredible chances with very dangerous medication out of self pity so this is no fluke what happened.

also the chances that a treatment will come out that will alter or fix perhaps tens of millions of damaged neurons in such a way that different parts of the brain will work together in sync again is practically nonexistent so after 7 years what I am is what I am going to be.

don't read any more into what I wrote than what is here .Someone asked a question and I answered it

Perhaps mark in Idaho is right. This board is best left for questions about physical ailments occurring from concussions on multiple concussions. Perhaps a spirituality room could be formed in the tbi area so the 2 wouldn't mix so much.

oh and I forgot sometimes I get to do the word puzzle when hockey or mark in Idaho does it and I try my hardest to leave a big word at the end of the sentence and hope they do the same as it gives me pleasure.