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Member
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 214
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Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 214
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My main fear with this whole concussion is that I've lost who I once was. I used to be extremely physically active as a distance runner, and mentally active as a grad student, and was pretty much always happy or content, and rarely anxious. Now, I can't exercise like I used to, and am afraid that I'll never be able to return to my active lifestyle, which was a large part of how I defined myself. I'm also afraid that I won't be able to return to my PhD program, as I can't read for long periods of time (currently 10 minutes) without exacerbating symptoms.
Most of all, I'm afraid that I won't return to my normal, happy-go-lucky self. If I blew out a knee and couldn't run anymore, I'd at least feel like it was me who would have to deal with the consequences of that. But I haven't felt like me in 6 months, and the prospect of never feeling like me again is scary and sad. It's hard to explain exactly why I don't feel like myself. I'm sure much of it is simply that I'm not doing what I used to be doing all the time, and so I'm anxious and depressed and just don't feel right. But it seems deeper than that, like something about me has fundamentally changed.
All the specialists I've seen assure me that I have a high chance for full recovery, but when I hear you say that stress may always hold me back, I'm afraid that for the rest of my life I'll have to avoid the stress of running 100 miles a week, or reading intensely to study, or staying up late to write up a paper, or spending a month in Hawaiian forests collecting crickets (my current work, haha), or simply think deeply and clearly about an experiment or something like that. I'm afraid I'll have to live my life without this cloud hanging over me all the time, I don't want to always have to think about how every little thing I'm doing might affect the long-term health of my brain.
I also realize that I'm incredibly lucky that things aren't worse, and I don't have to deal with the hardship that many on this board deal with every day (short-term memory issues for instance), but those are the fears I'm dealing with right now.
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26 year-old PhD student in evolutionary biology, slipped on ice in Feb 2014 while clipping my fingernails and walking to save time (dumbest reason for PCS ever?). Initially just had headaches and didn't feel quite right, but a minor head bump 5 days later started a downward spiral of anxiety, depression, insomnia and fatigue. Had trouble concentrating on reading/looking at screens
April 2014 - did exertion test, passed, started exercising and doing more, but didn't feel much better.
May 2014 - Went on backpacking trip OK'd by doctor, trip itself went fine, but felt worse a few days after getting back, more difficulty concentrating, worse headaches.
June 2014 - Bumped head on ceiling walking slowly down stairs, no immediate symptoms, but caused worsening headahces, more difficulty concentrating and looking at screens. Have not felt as good as I did before this since this bump.
December 2014 - after feeling relatively better I went xc skiing and fell but didn't hit my head (something my psychologist who specializes in brain injuries told me he hoped would happen so I saw it was OK), felt worse
Feb 2015 - back in grad school, light teaching load and some research, nowhere close to operating at my full capacity. Still have constant headaches, difficulty reading/looking at screens, mild anxiety and depression, and just not feeling like my normal sharp self.
Trying, but struggling, to believe that I'll get back to my old self, or at least get close.
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