Quote:
Originally Posted by Laupala
My main fear with this whole concussion is that I've lost who I once was. I used to be extremely physically active as a distance runner, and mentally active as a grad student, and was pretty much always happy or content, and rarely anxious. Now, I can't exercise like I used to, and am afraid that I'll never be able to return to my active lifestyle, which was a large part of how I defined myself. I'm also afraid that I won't be able to return to my PhD program, as I can't read for long periods of time (currently 10 minutes) without exacerbating symptoms.
Most of all, I'm afraid that I won't return to my normal, happy-go-lucky self. If I blew out a knee and couldn't run anymore, I'd at least feel like it was me who would have to deal with the consequences of that. But I haven't felt like me in 6 months, and the prospect of never feeling like me again is scary and sad. It's hard to explain exactly why I don't feel like myself. I'm sure much of it is simply that I'm not doing what I used to be doing all the time, and so I'm anxious and depressed and just don't feel right. But it seems deeper than that, like something about me has fundamentally changed.
All the specialists I've seen assure me that I have a high chance for full recovery, but when I hear you say that stress may always hold me back, I'm afraid that for the rest of my life I'll have to avoid the stress of running 100 miles a week, or reading intensely to study, or staying up late to write up a paper, or spending a month in Hawaiian forests collecting crickets (my current work, haha), or simply think deeply and clearly about an experiment or something like that. I'm afraid I'll have to live my life without this cloud hanging over me all the time, I don't want to always have to think about how every little thing I'm doing might affect the long-term health of my brain.
I also realize that I'm incredibly lucky that things aren't worse, and I don't have to deal with the hardship that many on this board deal with every day (short-term memory issues for instance), but those are the fears I'm dealing with right now.
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This is it exactly for me, I feel exactly the same as you do. I had a promising career as a Clinical Psychologist, I was going to apply to start my doctorate this December.
I had 2 accidents, one in December last year in which I'm pretty sure I sustained a concussion, then a minor car accident a month later, after which I started experiencing symptoms.
I returned to work in July for 2 half days and it was just overwhelming and bizarre. I looked over some emails I had written before and some documents I had put together before the accidents and it was like they had been written by someone else.
I can't write to that standard of English anymore or get across complex ideas.
But, like you said, the thing that scares me the most is I feel like a different person. I, too, was very active both mentally and physically. I loved being smart and it was a big part of who I was, gave me a sense of validation, self-esteem and confidence.
I was a very strong, social and independent person and I'm just
not anymore.
Now I can't use big words anymore as I'm no longer sure of their correct use and often get them wrong, so to avoid embarrassment I speak a lot more simply.
I don't get jokes, either at all or quickly enough to not look really stupid in social situations (this is leading me to avoid some social situations).
I have no confidence in myself anymore and I have no idea what I can and can't do in terms of my cognitive abilities.
Whenever they are 'tested' by a challenging situation, then I seem to fail pretty quick. I spend most of my days doing light tasks which tax neither my brain nor my body and sometimes I feel 'normal'. I don't feel myself, but I feel like I don't have issues.
However, as soon as I am mentally challenged then this all falls apart and I realise I'm still broken.
I think, like you, most of all, I was happy and a very cheerful person. I don't feel like that anymore. I realised I rarely smile or take much pleasure in doing anything and it's taken me some time to accept that I am depressed.
I'm 7 months in and when I first came on the forum I felt a mixture of relief at finding some answers to questions I had and sadness at the answers themselves. It was hard to read about damage being permanent, but obviously made sense when I thought about it (I studied the brain somewhat, I should have known this!). I'm also awware that it's only some stuff that can be rerouted so to speak, so there are deficits I have that I will always have.
I also felt really down initially at the prospect of never being back to who I was before the accident and I think I've just started the long road of coming to terms with that.
I try not to be negative about it, but instead I feel I'm being realistic. I will never be a Clinical Psychologist now. I may never have a high status/complex job (this was very important to me). I may never improve much beyond my current situation.
BUT, I keep telling myself, like you said, that it could be so much worse and I can still live a very full life.
I keep trying to think of all the things I CAN do and not everything I can't.