HI Ellie... I read this yesterday... but didn't reply cuz I knew I would have to be in the right head space. Not sure my head is ever in the right space.. ha ha, but I really wanted to share my un-educated feelings with you.

Yes, you are depressed. If you are thinking it - you are - and I really hope you can reach out for help (for a doctor and therapist, not just us)- you need it, sweetie.

I'm the mom of a son who was sexually abused when he was 4 years old. He will be 30 this year. (those who know me well here, know that he has not spoken to me since I left his Dad over 7 years ago - the reasons are diverse, but the bottom line is my son started hating me and behaving the way he did as the years passed by and the end result was it was easier to walk away from me than get the help he needs... God, I could write a book... but I can't... if you know what I mean...)

THAT was my first thought when you talk about your brother.
Your brother has been very damaged by life.
Something horrible caused him to be the way he is to you and others.
Only he can get the help for that... as sad as that realization is - he may never get that help.

My therapist told me that one day, hopefully, my son will have a strong woman in his life who will be able to help him recognize how to reach out for help... I don't know... all I know is that the only one I can help... is me.

And that's what you have to do Ellie... you have to help you.
I know our situations are vastly different... however, basic human pain is our familiar ground - we can compare and reach out for support and understanding.

That is what you are doing... crying out to understand your brother. Instead, I think you have to understand yourself. Love yourself.

Have you blocked your brothers calls? I urge you to do this. Or get call display - and if you don't recognize the number - don't answer.
It is easier to delete a phone message than it is to hang up the phone on someone you love.

Like Spanish Moss... I suffer immense guilt... what did I do wrong as a mother... I can't go there... it hurts so much.

Ellie- have you heard of the book called Co-Dependant No More? Try and find it - it will help you understand yourself better.

You didn't mention your Mom. What role did she play in this... or was she even there... maybe that is the pain your brother holds deep... ?

(((ANNABELLE))) I feel for you, too.

I hope you have learned that it doesn't matter what the title of a forum is... what matters is the people who take part in it... we have found an amazingly safe haven... and as the years go by, I am more thankful every day for all that I have learned here. I attribute so much personal growth to this place and the people I have met.

xo for now... Addy