Mark, I so wish I had a magic wand and could wave it to relieve you and all the others on this site who suffer unspeakable burdens. Life has dealt you a severe blow and I read of your struggles often. Doctors - there is little I can say that you don't already know, sadly too many of them live with a "god like" complex. They can do no wrong and they live in the belief that their wisdom is what will save you from yourself. Many of them accept no responsibility for the choices they make and will themselves happiness by telling themselves actions they took were with your permission and what they did was with the intent to help. I can understand your dark thoughts, I have been the victim many times of the medical fraternity and their "I can do no wrong" beliefs, for me, it would be more palatable if they would admit they are human and they have made a mistake, but no, that is not in their makeup. To admit mistakes is human and some of these doctors are just not human....
For anyone reading this, I don't have a downer on doctors, there are many who have been wonderful and I owe them my life on more than one occasion. Those doctors are few and far between, the oath they take to save and preserve life must be an overwhelming thought and so I suppose they can be forgiven for succumbing to their godlike complex. That doesn't help us though does it...
Mark, take your anger and shape it, use it to drive you forward and make a place for yourself in this new life of yours. It sucks I know and my heart breaks for all that you have lost, but please, don't do anything that will take you away from this life as hollow as it is, don't give him that victory. Take small small steps and find yourself a path to something new. Lament no more the life you have lost, use your anger and create a new one. It will by necessity be darkly different to what you had but that's ok. You have friends on this site from all ends of the world, we all have different upbringings and thoughts on how life should be, but we all also have one commonality, the desire to be heard and accepted for what we now are. I enjoy your company on this site, so please stay a while longer and continue to share your thoughts and wisdoms.