Sorry you are suffering so much,I know we don't want people feel sorry,we need support and help.
It's hard to find answer to so many questions in your life ,I agreed with Vrae ,try to find so relax and you will get some peace ,somehow you will get here ,and sure ,cry is in many times the best relief .let the pain ,emotions go free and try to think slowly .
Soon with faith and hope you will found the help you need ,let us know how you are doing ,we can for sure have a hand and shoulders ready we had been there is not easy but you will get through .
Blessings to you and look Inside yourself ,sure you will find the strength to get over and start again,with love Jesika .