My heart just breaks for you. I was in a similar position 11 yrs ago. I felt life was not worth enduring in the pain I was in and I was bluntly, a burden to everyone and felt I just made everyone sad. I had written all my letters to try and explain to my husband and family why I chose to end things...I truly believed everyone once they got over their sadness would be better off.

Obviously my plan did not work. My husband was away on a business trip and my plan was to check into a local hotel and then he would not be the one to find me. That week there were several conventions in town and not a hotel room available in a 25 mile radius. I spent hours and hrs calling around and fell asleep exhausted from trying to fulfill my "plan". I awoke the next day, so overwrought that my plan had failed that I took several tranquilizers to calm down and slept for another full day. Long story short, at doc appt the next week my doc sent me to a pain specialist who completely turned things around for me and I am glad I failed at my "plan".

Please talk to those closest to you, tell them what you are going through and ask for help. I did end up telling a good friend who also endures pain. If you don't have a friend to talk to their are help lines or pm me and we can talk.
You are in my prayers. 25 yrs in and still fighting must be beyond horrible.
You have friends here....please talk to us. private msg me anytime at all.
Diandra