Hi!

I will try to make this brief as I am on a limited 'screen' regimen but really wanted to share.

June of 2012 I was riding my bike home from on our Greenbelt. I had a Trek Madone 6 series, purple, my race machine, and I was clipped in. It was a gorgeous day and I was so excited to spend the weekend with my step-daughter, who I refer to as my daughter, as my husband was out of town at a bike race. The air was light, the sun was warm, my face was full perma-grin. As I was approaching a tunnel, I began to slow behind a couple out for a stroll. I was near the yellow lines and probably going about 17mph- but yes- I was slowing down. A cyclist jetted through the stop sign at the side entrance to the Greenbelt, he was fast, out of control, and approaching me quickly. The pedestrians jumped out of his way leaving me. All I remembered next was his helmet hitting my face and seeing his sunglasses hit mine. I got knocked out before I hit the ground. I must have been out for some time as when some passer-by's awoke me, I was still clipped in, a woman was attending to my dress being further up than it should..., and the man who hit me was up, off to the side and attending to his bike. He did not come over, he did not apologize. His wife came to me and asked if I was ok. My first word, and I don't cuss, was the F bomb. I had a bloody nose, my left pinky was perpendicular to my hand, and my wheel was crunched. I was most upset about my bike. I got up, asked the man if I could help with his chain, thanked those who helped me I think, and rode my whakced out bike home. I got home my head was throbbing. My girlfriend came and took me to primary care. It was 6:50pm on Friday night. The PA on duty did not do a concussion test despite my story, despite telling him my head was in massive pain, despite my new double vision. He attended to my hand and seemed rushed to get home.

I did not was to get surgery so I emailed my Xray to a doc friend who said- nope, surgery. I ignored the double vision. I ignored the weird behavior subtleties, I ignored the headaches, I focused on my hand and despite being told not to ride, I rode my bike. I was surrounded by athletes who 'push through' get up and ride despite, tough it out. So that's what I did. I tried racing CycloCross that year. My energy was gone, my performance bad, my standings low. The headaches I experienced after each race left me in the car holding my head with my down jacket over my eyes. My cognition was starting to be noticeably different and my super social personality was departing quickly.

I changed the lights around at my work. I dimmed the computer screens. I ignored not being able to do the books, or put numbers in an excel sheet. I ignored writing break for brake, I ignored how long it took me to type an email and how I could barely look at the screen without getting massive head pain. I smiled, I nodded, but I could not communicate in a way I used to. Words were lost, math was gone, my brow became a forever furrow and the perma grin disappeared. The smile was a facade because is was the best position for my face to be in- I seemed to deal with the pain in that position, others made it worse. Listening to 2 conversations was a cacophony of sound waves and any sudden noise startled me. I became anxious. Really really anxious. I became self-focused and symptom focused. I went to a doctor finally, the same one from the accident.
"I have headaches and am really really fatigued" I said.
"Life is stressful, get used to it, here is some migraine medicine." That was it.

I lived thinking I was really stressed out for another 3 months. I could not organize. I could not plan. I could not think straight. I was getting worse. I went to a sinus doctor as the headaches and facial pain was excruciating, he said nothing there. I went to a naturopath who gave me herbal remedies, they didn't work. I went to an acupunturist, it didn't work. I flew to California for work to take a class- now 6 months after the crash. The flight was hell. Navigating the airport took all of my concentration. My dizziness was on high. My double vision was nearly double. My headache was painful. I tried to talk with the person next to me like I used to. It was so tough. I closed my eyes and prayed. At the class I thought I was having a hard time making friends. I rode a bike they loaned me so hard my headaches worsened. I pushed through. I did not notice how I could not understand what the speaker was trying to convey. It was too complex for me. I rode a 'pump track' and hit my head on the hard pack dirt twice. My thigh was black and blue and my head ached like nothing I had ever felt. I went to the ER straight off the plane when I arrived home.

MRI- clean, EKG- clean, stroke panel- clean, everything clean. I received a raise at work then missed 5 days. I could not understand what was happening. I was having seizure like anxiety. I was becoming a pain in the neck to my family. I went to the ER again- they asked if I had hit my head anytime in the past year. Ah-ha.

The road of finding the right doctors and rehab took me another year. Finally 24 months out with no change in symptoms, I had found a doctor and rehab center who got it. A NeuroPsychologist who said... 'yup, brain injury. PCS for certain". My new hypochondriasis had to be put to rest as I went through and told him why I had every personality disorder in the DSM-IV. He said, you have a brain bruise. He told me he could not tell how long it would take to recover but began treating it as if the accident had just happened. He made me take medical leave from work. Which is where I am now.

I am 2 months in and feel at times like a failure. The why has this taken so long really consumes me at times. The anger comes out at my husband and daughter and my daughter told me she avoids me and has pulled away from me. Awesome. My friends are supportive but living their lives- their lives that have moved, changed, and happened in the past 2 years. I feel aware finally, but scared, sad, angry, confused, and mad at this thing. I put a lot of stress on myself to heal. But it is slower than molasses. I am now trying to build my other neuropathways and am reading and meditating. Meditating is hard, I have not yet gotten to a silent mind as tinnitus, raging sharp jolty head pains, and pain upon deep breathing tend to take control of my attention. I am reading about attention it self and how to "Open Focus" it as the name of the book suggests.

I grieve. I sleep. I journal. I talk about it. I feel embarrassed that I have this injury and I feel upset that I am embarrassed. I feel upset that I get angry. I feel upset that my daughter is growing up and I am not a part of her world. I feel sad as I miss my husband-my best friend- my belay partner and stage race cycling travel mate. I miss racing. I miss working out longer than 15-20 minutes. I sleep, once again, I sleep. It seems to be how I cope, or avoid, or run away from the pain, as when I sleep I can't feel the pain. I have tried nearly every medication. Nothing has helped. I have tried cleanses and chiropractic care, to no avail. I have tried psychotherapy and sports counseling, I come home, forget the next day and remain in the same boat as before. I feel discouraged.

So far, Vision therapy, massage, craniosacral therapy, and Time Outs or Brain Breaks as I call them, are the only thing that has helped. I can't work right now and it saddens me. But I am trying to focus on the small little teeny tiny itty bitty things that show I'm progressing. That my brain was made to adapt and evolve and think outside the box to find solutions. I find hope that there is a ton more research about this condition filling up the newspapers and blogs. I find that if I can have a moment every once in awhile of 'me' the 'me' the True Self that I know and recognize- I know that I can harness that, think about that, act like that and hope to be that again. And I will.

Toughing it out wasn't the answer. "Acting" like I had no symptoms wasn't the answer. Pushing through wasn't the answer. Now I know and I wish I had know this on day 1 at 6:55 on that Friday night. Maybe had that PA been more versed in head injury medical procedures, I would have had that awesome weekend with my daughter sooner than what looks like could be 3 years later.

I joined up with this forum as my NeuroPsych asked if I had communicated with anyone with brain injuries, to show me that what I was going through was not uncommon. And to put to rest all the Brain Poison I would tell myself that this is Schizophrenia, or Multiple Personality disorder, or Borderline personality disorder, or Sinusitis, or a Brain Tumor. He said to talk to people about their experiences and hopefully I will find that extra bit of healing I need to feel that light on me at the end of this "Groundhog's Day" tunnel.

So hello people of NeuroTalk! Anything you can share with me. Any stories, or personal experiences especially with the brain fog, and emotional roller coaster, would help me so much. I will also share what has helped and also taken me steps back during this process. And thank you for reading! I hope I can someday lecture and go out and help people learn about this and help teach docs how to address early signs so people won't have to suffer for years with this debilitating injury. I just keep saying, injuries can heal, so fingers crossed mine does!

I have read a lot of books, so if anyone has any questions, when I am free to have 'screen' time again, I will be back answering your questions!

(I meant to be brief! Oops! hehe)