I am really sorry that you've been going through all of this. I know how horrible of a condition we have and especially the pain med situation. I've taken everything under the sun to try to get the pain to stop short of illegal substances and the addiction that comes with trying to feel normal is completely annoying. I know life seems bleak and you just want it to end because I've been there. It took a long time, but I'm no longer depressed like I used to be. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes contemplate killing myself to make the pain stop because everything feels hopeless, but it's just not worth it. I've felt like a burden to my family since I got this disease, but I know for a fact that they would prefer me alive and as a burden than dead. Everything that we're going through is the biggest challenge that we are going to face in our lifetimes and just getting up every single day and dealing with it makes us stronger. Maybe one day there will be something that takes the pain away for good that doesn't leave us addicted to pills or depressed or unable to sleep. I have gotten off all pain killers and nerve blocking medicine and off of everything completely other than the occasional oxy, methadone, or dilaudid to take away the edge depending on how bad it is. Being clear minded with unbearable pain is better than being drugged out all the time in my opinion just because you can think rationally. Rationally thinking, one day we will be okay, one day the pain will be gone, and one day we'll be normal people, but we'll be stronger for surviving what we've been through. Don't lose hope, don't give up, find outlets for your frustration, and as hard as it is, stay positive. Being positive has been the hardest emotion to achieve since I was diagnosed 11 years ago, but it works better than any pill ever has. You'll make it, you're strong enough to make it. We all are. Good luck with what you've been going through and I'll keep you in my prayers.