Thank you so much everyone, you have no idea just how much it helps just to be able to write about this. IRL I'm not one for showing my emotions, I wear the mask of being strong, laughing through the hardships, the one people can lean on and know this crippled butt of mine will catch them. In its own way, supporting those around me, supports me as well. But when writing, I can express my emotions. How odd that something with neither facial expression, body posture, nor even tone of voice is the catalyst for showing what is in my heart and mind.

And while 'this to shall pass' isn't biblical, it is a comforting phrase, yet Matthew 5:4 is quite correct 'blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.' Truer words were never wrote, even if it's sacrilegious to say so when quoting a particular verse from the bible. You all have been a comfort, not just in this case but in all the ups and downs of life and this disease... As if just surviving on this spinning dust bucket wasn't hard enough...

It does seem as though my memory issues are a small blessing. The times I'm able to completely forget ease the hurt and allow me to function (eat, drink, laugh) it's like my brain has been well trained in simply erasing the all the bad stuff it decides I don't need to know. It's still tough when the memory comes rushing back and I'm forced to face it all over again like its the first time I'm hearing it, but it's getting a little better. Once again writing it down makes it 'stick' a bit more in the head, taking a bit of the bite away as there's a niggling feeling like, 'oh yeah... I already know this...'

I just don't know how long I can keep my sanity now living in his house... Well our house now... But I still hadn't gotten used to seeing his bedroom door close and not sneaking around the house so as to not wake him in the mornings after he moved out. Even now I catch myself tapping on his door to check on him when I don't see him by noon...

My husband and I cared for him after his triple bypass surgery, his femoral artery cross-over surgery, his surgery for stints in his legs when that didn't work. And he's no doubt who I take after for simply laughing through everything life throws my way, outwardly at least, as he was the same. Nothing could dampen his spirit, life should be fun and if it's not; make it fun! Never let anyone (but him) sway your beliefs, have faith in something greater than yourself (like Mickey Mouse), and most importantly be an individual who isn't 'just like everyone else'.

I know right now I'm probably letting him down some, mourning for him so much, shedding so many tears for him, it's not what he would want, he even said as much countless times. It's just he never told me how to accomplish that. When I see him on the other side you better believe he's going to get whatfor for asking the impossible, it's a shame that as the living one I can't even haunt him.