The depression is new...ish. I have certainly felt down a lot in recent months -- but there were reasons, too. I don't really consider it
depression until/unless it gets bad. This is bad. 2 weeks is the cut-off for a Major Depressive Episode by DSM coding. I'm past 1 week already.
I see my therapist/ex-pdoc again in January. If it is still bad, I will see if he thinks I need meds or whether it could still be a "normal" reaction to very bad but unfortunately real things in my life.
I was a little better off today, but partly because I have been left alone. Really left alone. And this takes a little pressure off is all. I still feel bad, but I don't feel watched, don't have to answer questions, especially not about food, dammit. And I thought about going outside? Just to get about. See the pretty bits of snow left? Could care friggin less about the friggin pretty snow.
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Christmas was awful, was at it with mom all day. And yesterday finally had a melt down at her. She has been asking things over and over, about food, to boot. At one point she really fussed at me, "I need to know what you are going to eat...!" Seriously? When I cannot stick a piece of bread in my mouth without feeling it for the next 2 hours, I'm drinking baking soda just to stay sane on top of my prescription acid-reducers, and you "need to know" what I will eat? Geezus freaking please. I finally lost it, bad. I bellowed at her to leave me the hell alone, just leave me the hell alone, why can't you.... (repeat ad nauseum for like 5 minutes). She got mad or hurt enough to retreat.
As for me.... I cried. Alone. Without having to totally smother myself and hide, for once.
She has barely been talking to me. I made efforts today to be nice to her, and things have settled a bit, but honestly, I need her not to chat at me all the time, and not require decisions from me, especially not about food! I don't think it's so hard to follow the indications I gave her: "Do not include me in meal plans. I will forage in the fridge."
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I spent days bent double crying or avoiding crying, and shaking, and just feeling sick all over from life. There have been multiple bad peaks like that. I've gone out walking... in this cold I ordinarly keep up a pace... can't. I am interested in nothing. I watch zero tv, and have piles of recorded DVR stuff... more piling up.
Legs of lead. Heart of stone. Mind of mulch.
I used to differentiate depressions by quality. The hazy grey ones where the mind and emotions simply fade, and one carelessly becomes a wisp, at one with nothingness. The deep thoughtful ones, where a gentle sadness hangs softly over the heart, cradling it into a woeful sleep. The dark, heavy, murky, deep sludgy ones, where one wants to sink into a bog, never to return. The painful ones where desperation gouges a hole one's gut, and leave one crying for mercy, even to gods in which one doesn't believe.
This depression is all of them rolled together. It is the badass mother of depressions.
-- It is wispy and I feel myself fading.
-- It is softly sad and quietly weepy at times.
-- It is dark, sludgy and massive.
-- It is excruciating and desperate at times.
And while I'd not say it's mixed exactly, not inherently anyway, my reactions can get pretty high up on the irascible scale. Messing with me -- or even crossing me -- right now is a bit like messing with a wounded animal. I've nowhere to run, or hide. So I bite.
waves
P.S. I've adopted a new weather station but I can't show the time with this sticker.