Waves,
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Originally Posted by waves
Especially thanks for understanding about the screaming. I feel so awkward, and ashamed, and then I do that, and it is really shameful behavior, really shameful.
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It happened. It is over. Your "behavior" helped her understand what you had been saying. If you do not want to use "Broken Record Technique" in the future, you do not have to but it is o.k. to forgive yourself.
. . in other words, totally not shameful.
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will try to channel people -- people who can respond better to those situations. But so far, impulse
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Not impulse. You are overwhelmed perhaps.
I am comfortable knowing that you have an appt soon.
I am aware that you are not in danger but I think you are possibly at a turning point OR a place where there should be a turn to get better.
I really believe that we should not be alone to decide on health matters by ourselves when we have access to medical help and such.
I will go with my broken leg metaphor for a minute:
If someone had a broken leg, we would not ask the person to wait it out or do home remedies. We would tell that person to get help as soon as it was possible. In effect, that is what you are doing with the Jan appt. THat is good.
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They are hopeless unless you are having a heart attack or have a visibly broken leg, and even then it's like a box of Forrest Gump's chocolates.
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Well, I am sorry about that and I am sorry that I used the broken leg as an example.
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It is a feeling, a deep, cutting feeling, but it does not go anywhere and it does not cause me to do anything. I am helpless to it, but that, at least, does not stay. It happens in waves. If that quality stayed, I would have texted my therapist/pdoc by now.
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What you describe is major stinky. Sorry.
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way below baseline right now.
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Lots and lots of hugs.
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I'd think only bereavement could cause this degree of emotional ailing.
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That helps maybe --- in terms of thinking about how you feel.
So, maybe not something to "get over" but to "get through."
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Then there are other things, too. There was the shock of seeing my friends' successes. Their resumes, their positions, their lifestyles.
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I totally hear you on that. Because I am there too.
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I had to smile and make pretty. I made Candy Crush jokes and made myself even more ridiculous...
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I cannot talk to people very well because I have no life. Even with people at work, I cannot make small talk -- and thus cannot connect well. I have nothing going on to talk about beyond the minutia of today or yesterday. I am not even aware of cultural reverences because I am not reading/watching the same tv, news, or movies, or listening to the same music as they are. And that is because I have to "hide" from the world to protect myself and my bipolar.
The siblings "get" each other, but I believe that one degree past that -- to first cousins -- would put me in a place where I might as well be talking to a stranger. Actually talking to a complete stranger would be easier than talking to co-worker/neighbor/close relative.
I wish you had someone to help you not see a mountain before you.
It is a step pathway.
Or maybe the mountain is underneath you and holding you up/ giving you standing.
Keep posting.
Keep letting us know what is going on.
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I have to be up at 9:30 to drive two people to the airport.
If necessary, hubby will drive and I will ignore that he is freaked out about driving through the airport signage.
Dad can tell him to get in this lane or that lane for departures.
Maybe I will sit directly behind hubby and tap hubby on the left or right shoulder as he does not seem to respond well to verbal commands when he is stressed.
Take care.
M