dearest Lara

you have certainly been paying close attention
thank you for being real

to be brutally honest
i do this hoping others will talk

i have never be in a state of depression
that tugs at me
to just do away with myself

i have learned that my culture
will take their own life
to inflict harm an sadness
this my father did for sure

i know my mental issues were living
in this body when i saw my father rape my
birth parent under the age of five
clearly vivid
frighted me (mother) to the core
as i remember so much more
when living in South Africa
where i and my sister were born

my first attempt to kill myself
i opened the Bible said to God
speak to me
randomly opened it

Psalm 6
verse 6

and decided to hang around

until now

watching Mass this morning
the message seemed to be just for me to hear
though certain many felt the same

i don't know when my depression took over
BUT IT IS HERE with a vengeance
it has been a while now
and i must talk about it
for its grip is solid

as the sermon message was
"stop making excuses"
and as much as the pain turn to anger turn to blame
turn to i don't want to go anywhere

yes Lara
i was that kick butt mom
until i became ill physically

this is what i do
something needs fixing
i am the go to person
come to think of it
i have been the go to person
since as tiny as i can remember
So God, strike me if what i say
isn't the truth

i have had many adversities in my life
some i brought on myself

i don't understand
with everything that a woman goes through
just on a monthly basis until our
menses stops as child bearing years should be over

am i disappointed sadly
as i have made adult decisions
for the better of my families mental health
and survival

whatever the status might have been in the past
I KNOW i put my children first
even before my drinking would start
no missed doctors as they grew
dentist, glasses
overall yearly well check
not to have anyone to teach me
of the importance
but i knew

and then they grew with much knowledge
i passed on to them

and then they grew even more
mentally
gave them as best i could
the understanding
there IS something greater then us
God
a foundation
a beginning
to an end
i do not want to go on anymore
not anything i believe my children
understand
as they to tried one by one

it is only now for some Godly reason
i have no desire
my sadness indescribable
i have been weaned off Zoloft
as i was unable to handle the side effects
from the femra back to tamoxifen
Zoloft lessens the effectiveness of my
cancer drug

so Lara
my brain is not right with all these changes
just the drugs themselves

then you bet they think i can manage with
what is at hand
and i can't Lara
i can't without hurting
i want out of my own head
and there is only one way that can happen
shut all the lights out

what good am i
i have reached my threshold

just call my child in asked her if outside my room
the house is in order she says yes
i say okay i'll come and see
she says please don't come out
i wanted to tell her i don't ever want to come out
but i didn't
she has her own issues at almost seventeen
where can i help when i am in a Devils hole

i cannot even take myself to a hospital
to take care of me
my grandchild needs me to be okay
or she will be taken

my body for the most part dictates
what the day will be like
then the brain always there
and always conscious of how i can
or can't be a part of the world
and that world was my immediate
family
now i come to you and this place of others
who have helped by reading about what has happened
to them physically
oh the remorse i have for a man i trusted with my body
failed me
and never respected his oath
never to harm

so Lara
i am at the end of the tunnel
the light has turned to amber
chips that have given there all
i was to late
just to darn
late
and worn

today Gods word
i am not to make any excuses
i just will be
just be

i send you much love
holding just holding
me