Today I struggled.
I made it 50 days alcohol free and wavered tonight.
Earlier in the day I thought I could drink tonight...it is saturday and I don't have to work tomorrow nor worry about the crappy sleep that I would get if I drank.....I pondered this several times thru out the day. I kept thinking was this logical? and would think about something else.
WE had a good thia chicken and steamed calflower for dinner, it was good.
Then got ready to go to the concert. piano, violin and cello and viola.
Before the concert hubby wanted to stop and get a new beer.
It was testing fate that I walked in causally with my hubby into the liquor store. I walked around noticing all of the different kinds....wine on sale $3.99 a bottle! oh look, Dramboui $41 dollars...my favorite sipping drink..Oh there is twisted tea lemonade...I bet that is good. oh there is a russian imperial stout...oh maybe I could just drink one big bottle and be satisfied with that.
nope I wanted to get drunk......
Then I thought about my commitments...
100 day challenge with Belle
my spark people buddies
it is lent though I am not religious.
SMART recovery folks....
My bipolar family....
to my dieting friends
and myself.
I calmly walked out of the store empty handed.
I did not tell jeff of my struggle, it is an internal struggle that he knows nothing about.
It is my struggle.
I spoke with my sister yesterday and told her that I had made it 50 days. and she said I am sorry. Then she said oh...am I supposed to say great job! and I said yes.
I tried to tell her how much I had been drinking ( black outs, throw ups, crying in public, the lying, how I would drink a case of 8% drinks in 3 days), she thought it was good that I could stop at 4.....and she doesn't get it. So I need to stop talking about it to her. She is my twin and I love her and she wants me to be happy. I resent the fact that I can't handle alcohol anymore. It is just easier not drinking then trying to moderate then be drunk every other night because I can't stop.
Any way.
Tonight, after the concert, there was a party, we were invited to go...
One of the performers asked if we were going...
I told her no that I was dieting and not drinking, she said well that would make it kind of boring then and seemed to understand the dieting part.
That is the excuse I give for denying my wants and pleasures of food...my clients offer me chocolates and cake, I tell them that I am dieting. They understand. My girl friend today after our walk in the park asked if I wanted chocolate ice cream...I said no. I think she was just being polite because she was eating it, not that she was trying to derail my dieting efforts. I would have eaten the entire container...that is why I don't buy ice cream or other deserts except for dark chocolate kisses that we keep in the freezer and have a couple every night if we want. Like alcohol it is easiest to not keep any in the house.
So I made it to 51 days.
whew!
Thanks to everyone of you who support me in this endeavor.
I am worthy of this struggle.
bizi