AB,

I wish I could enlighten you on how to move forward, but all I can do is offer a relative perspective and hope it helps.

I found comfort in a really strange paradox. Hesitate to write about it because it might not make a whole lot of sense when put into words.

But here goes. I would point first to your screen name.

I always believed there IS a reason for everything. In Einstein's words, "God doesn't play dice." (Paradoxically, I didn't believe in "God" either, but this forum is about healing from RSD rather than religion.)

That belief led me to many understandings, because within my own relative experience, it turned out to be true.

The first and maybe the most important understanding was this: just because I disagree with something 100% - just because it makes no sense to me - doesn't mean it's not 100% logical.

Saying that "There is a reason for everything," is the same thing as saying "Everything has purpose."

And eventually I came understand that everything - even accidents - are actually purpose veiled by my own ignorance.

That started with openmindedness. A willingness to admit and then to accept my own ignorance. My own powerlessness. And that's what I hear from you AB, and that's why I wanted to post, even though this could just come off as a crap ton of nonsense.

But then how to apply openmindedness to where I was? I mean, how would any of us here on this board apply something like that? Where I was, was in excruciating pain and suffering that looked hopeless from every single angle I looked at it. To truly apply "there's a reason for everything" would either be saying that this is 1) God's fault, 2) someone else's fault, or even worse - 3) this is my own fault.

Now that's a scary thing. But I didn't have anything to lose. My worst fear was helplessly withering away in pain hurting all of the people I care most about, and that's exactly what was happening.

So I surrendered. Admitted I didn't know CRAP. (And still don't.) So I went with option 3 - this is my own "fault."

But the key - and I can't say this enough - was in how I went with option 3. Rathering than putting blame on myself for how things had turned out in my life, I accepted responsibility for it. All of it.

And I know that sounds like a bunch of fluff... philosophical BS... but I can't overemphasize how important this was. For me at least. Accepting responsibility versus Placing blame. Two sides of the same coin. Truly different perspectives.

This led to the craziest paradox. Admitting and accepting that I was completely powerless - surrendering to it - actually gave me the power to change. Accepting the fact that everything that had transpired in my life had led to this moment, right now... Regardless of how "good" or "bad" I was in the past, HERE I AM.... it was a fundamental shift in perception for me.

What it did was two things:

1) Allowed me to forgive me, God, and everyone else for how awful my life had become.
2) Set a clean slate for the future.


PS. Many of the reasons as to why we have to deal with something as awful as this aren't definable within our current perception of reality (ie this space of time we're occupying from birth to death.) That's why this is so tough. (Understatement of the century. Or millenium.)

And most importantly AB - KUDOS to you for everything you're doing.