Hey Gunny Fitz,
You rant and rage as much as you want, don't get down on yourself. I agree with all that Littlepaw says, she eases the strain on my eyes often. But I must add you need to utilise your Russell medication more.
It can be easy to visit that Dark Place and contemplate putting a stop to the pain, but that pain is never diminished - it is simply transformed and passed on, starting with the unfortunate finder and exploding onto one's family and Loved Ones.
Things are bound to become easier one day, through improvement, Therapy, meds or a combination. Hang in there and keep trying.

Dave.