Quote:
Originally Posted by Littlepaw
Dearest Maygin, things are not fine. Of course they aren't. What you are going through is hard and exhausting. It takes a lot of energy dealing with the basics of every day. Don't waste energy pretending and trying to hold it all in. If you need to cry everyday for a while then do, but don't get stuck and mired in it. Focus on the many little things that you do to make yourself well, they add up over time. I felt like I was making so little progress for a long time but I figured I was at least minimizing more loss with everything I did that was therapeutic. Even the most minimal things you can do benefit you.
You are not putting on a brave face. You ARE brave. We all are. It takes tremendous courage to do this. I Don't remember if you were going to a therapist or pursuing it but I found it so helpful, both with dealing with loss and transition and with some ways to cope with pain. Just having a place to take some of the grief was a blessing and made things easier. The losses are real, I won't minimize them but moving through them can be easier with help. And yes, they will come in waves and things will hit you again out of the blue but the sadness does lighten. I underestimated how valuable therapy would be and delayed going. silly me! 
I am so sorry about your work stresses. I hope that the time off issue gets resolved. I do know that somehow you will find a way and get your treatments. Hopefully the sooner the better. Does your work have a time off pool? If I were your co-worker I would gladly donate a day off 
You are never isolated. We are here....Sending Healing Love,
Littlepaw  |
Thank you Littlepaw. As always, you show so much compassion, kindness, and support. I am blessed that you responded.
Thank you so much for the advice of not pretending. I'm not even sure who I'm pretending for. I live alone and am currently teleworking, so I guess I'm pretending for me. There are days where this just feels like too much and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day, so I just pretend that it will be fine. I pretend I'm okay. Because right now, all I want to do is sleep and take care of my health and not worry about taking care of a pup or going to work. I just want to heal my soul, so at least this isn't so hard and empty. I really need to stop pretending and honestly, I don't think I can this week. I have hardly slept and when I do, I don't get the deep sleep I need. I think going up on nortriptilyne is the reason, but who knows.
Thank you for reminding me that the little things add up over time. It's impossible to know exactly what the benefits were. Did the things I do to take care of myself hold off the spread for awhile? Are they preventing something else from happening? Who knows. I just know that I have more good days than bad days when I do the little things and I needed to be reminded to keep them up. They are exhausting, but worth it.
I don't feel brave, but I appreciate you saying so. I am seeing a therapist. I have been since December. I'm also seeing a peer support specialist (a volunteer who listens to me talk). Having both outlets has been really helpful. I need to talk about how hard this is in a space where it doesn't break their heart, like it does when I talk to family. But it's also hard for me to open up and really be me with anyone, let alone a stranger. I switched therapists in March (there was overlap between the two in February) and sometimes I'm not sure that I feel any more safe with the new therapist than I did with the old one. I need to spend some time reflecting on how I'm using my time in therapy, because I'm not really talking about the things that hurt the most in it. Thanks for making me more aware of that.
Thanks for saying you would donate sick time. That's so sweet. We don't have a pool and my boss looked into other options, but there are none until another job opens up here soon. Within the next 3 months, I'll know if I have more paid time off, and if I do, I should be able to take a little time to just not work and deal with my recovery, so I can come back to work with better resources. Right now, I feel like all I'm doing is triage. I need to get me to stable before I try working.
Thank you for being here and making me feel less alone.