I have problems. In analysing my life in general, up to and including my interactions with my Friends and Members here, I feel myself spiralling deeper to the darkest of places.

Here is how I have always felt. When I perform an action/complete a thought process or mental stimulation which elicits praise or makes me feel good, I feel happiness for an instant. Then the overwhelming inkiness of darkest guilt that I should feel pleasure takes over.

Any pleasurable act or deed leaves me miserable, guilt-ridden and wondering what I had done to deserve such happiness. From the time when I was able to bear physical contact, even a simple hug - which should lead to closeness and bonding, to a Forum "Thanks", has always felt undeserved.

I feel that I am unworthy of positive attention from anyone. This is particularly hard as I have made deep and meaningful connections - true friendships - with Forum Members. Yet, even here I feel undeserving.

The chronic pain, Neurological problems, Cluster Headaches, TN et al are a constant drain many of us know to some degree. My ribs have exploded into two areas (corresponding to landing on my forearm and fist) of excruciating sharp pains when I breathe or move. I HAVE to go to the Hospital tomorrow. Obviously this doesn't help my current mood.

I have a sense of humour, I am wondering whether I find things funnier than others because I start from so low, and am stretching (but not even I could endure the tv version of Bad Teacher). Even the humour dies quickly and leaves a void. Perhaps I missed my vocation as "Sad Clown"?

So what does one do about a Depressive Personality Disorder? Therapists are out, my last two did so much damage I have no faith. Increasing my dose of Mirtazapine? Darkest thoughts abound, and I have just increased Topiramate to fight chronic Cluster Headaches which increased them more. I know I have to discuss this with my GP.

I have learned here to express my thoughts - for a lifetime I was taught that was wrong. Even as I write this, before I copy/paste it across to Post, I feel guilty for burdening and "putting it out there". Perhaps I has better share this peek into the darkness of my soul before I change my mind.

Dave.