I Know the suffering of pain that has filled me with fear. The worst were the nightly screams when laying down to sleep at night. Fusion/laminectomy almost nine years ago lessened the screams; but too much pain remained

Fear of the amount of pain medication I take daily; don't see any end to it. As my GI doctor told me; as long as you are on narcotic meds; you will be on Miralax; at least twice a day. This was shortly after removal of rectum in 2012 due to cancer. Do not have bag; but going without a vital part of a normal bodily function eventually leads to pain inside as well as outside. Stomach bulge (like a major league ball) appears to be colon/possible hernia. Additional pain of PN pain of legs and burning ankles and feet.

Don't see any end to all of this; but the one thing that I have and pray Eva too will experience is the love and respect I receive from my three adult children. As much as my body is, at times ready to give up, I know love.

My son gave a toast on Mother's Day which included how as parents we make mistakes; but we don't come into this world with an instruction booklet; we do the best we can. He spoke of the values instilled in them succeeded with them becoming who the are today. (Honest, truth worthy, kind Christian adults). I only wish I could pass this message on to Eva's children. While my body is filled with pain; my heart aches for Eva.


Gerry