... when people say they might have something and they are probably just worrying and other people have it worse cuz they have the real thing.

But here goes. When I was a kid my granddad over not a very long time changed. Since he had been depressed at times when he was young it was taken for granted that he was "just" mentally ill and they locked him up.

Thing is I am pretty sure he had dementia. Back then, this is long ago!.. they didn't really know of dementias, not of the types not causing memory loss.

His family history is unknown as his parents died of infection very young.

He used to be outgoing, friendly, sensitive but the life of a party kind of guy. He liked talking with us kids and just chilling. What speaks against dementia is his age, he was just bit short of 70.

After the change he was quite aggressive in ways, easily frustrated, i don't know why, if he couldn't do everything or if it was just his mood. He didn't like us kids anymore. He had spells where he just shouted and acted out. He cursed A LOT, and he never used to do that. He was both restless and not really doing anything. He started to have a lot of compulsions.

They took him home but had to put him back in the asylum because he started his bad behavior at once, they could not handle him. They all thought he was mentally ill but from what I hear it is uncommon you get severe mental illness at that age. It was nothing like the manageable spells of sadness he had when he was young. This illness in his old age changed every aspect of his personality. He also sometimes soiled himself, and I do not think this is included at all in the type of dementia I'm suspecting.

So where do I fit into this? I'm in my 40s and my sense of language is getting really weird. I can't but wonder if this is somehow related.

It was noticeable in my second language first. I just lost words, I knew what the world meant but I could not produce it. It was simply lost. I thought it was just me getting bad at that language. But then it started to happen to my first language also. Now I replace words on a daily basis. I look for the word and it is gone. Doesn't matter if I'm given hours, I cannot produce it. So in a normal conversation of course I replace it. It happens quite a bit.

The other thing is that when I write just to myself, I no longer care about words needing to be in the right order. It is a hassle to make grammatically correct sentences. It was never a problem, I write novels and poems, but now my language to myself looks like someone who learned it late in life and does not understand word order wrote it.

The third thing is I somehow get words mixed up, words I know and can say with ease, but when I speak them sort of in a hurry, I might say them wrong, one sound in the word is replaced by another sound. I clearly hear that it is wrong and can correct myself.

I more and more prefer written language, because then it doesn't show that I'm struggling, I can just take a small break and start again. But I have gotten worse at spelling. I used to never make mistakes and now I look at words and I have to look up the spelling.

I also constantly say the opposite word for what I mean. This I'm not sure is anything because I always did this slightly, no idea why, but it has gotten bad.

It really surprised me when I collected the facts of what my issues with speech are, and when I looked it up it almost totally matched something called progressive nonfluent aphasia. Oddly enough it does not worry me one bit. It should, because it is through language I exist.

I also have no plans of talking to anyone about this. I don't know why I'm not going to, I'm not embarrassed.

And I have zero issues with processing speech of others. And I still speak at my normal speed.

Anyway this aphasia thing (yes I know it is silly thinking I might have it, writing essay length posts....) actually is a subtype of frontotemporal dementia, the type of dementia I think my granddad had.

Thing is my mom's mind at 70 is perfect. She has no issues with anything brain and age related, her brain is like a 30 year old's.

If this was genetic my mom would sure have it, right? And with FTD if even inherited, you get the same subtype, right, not a different one?

I'm probably just getting stupid or something. Still I feel this is quite a weird problem to be developing. I guess I will know if it gets really bad.