I know exactly how you feel and could have written your post word for word just a few months ago. I am not a doc, but you sound like you are suffering from severe depression which will only make your pain worse. Do you have a shrink or talk therapist? Call them right now and tell them how you feel. If you can't do it, tell your husband and have him call. As hopeless as you may think it is, it isn't. That's the depression tricking you into thinking that way. You need and deserve relief from your depression and you need and deserve it now.
I have suffered from refractory depression for more than 8 years and I finally got some relief from a new treatment called TMS (trans magnetic stimulation). It completely changed my life. I went from just wanting to die in my sleep to wanting to live. I was once again able to go outside, to the supermarket, answer the door (even though I was in pain the entire time).
Please, please, please don't give up. Your child needs you and loves you no matter what you're going through.
- Jen
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Originally Posted by canagirl
I can't cope. I'm so weak. All I do is cry. I can't find any peace or rest because to stop moving means excruciating pain. The nortriptiline isn't working ( maybe a bit but nowhere near enough). I feel like I must have compressed nerves all over so I try stretches and massaging a bit but then I burn like crazy for days. I feel like I have to try and uncompress these nerves ( I have to do something that to try and heal) but it just causes pain later. Gabapentin is low dose right now. Just on it for a day so far. Dr lowered starting dose to 100:100:100 for 4 days then 100:100:300 for four days then up by 100 every few days after that. Told to stop nortriptiline because of my blurry vision ( which I had before the med but it's WAY worse now). Start weaning tonight. Just keep thinking I can't live much longer. Family days that's selfish of me to say and think. But I think everyone will be better off without me. I am traumatizing my son with all the crying. He doesn't get the attention and love he deserves because I am so sad and in so much pain. He would be so much better with another mom. Everybody could go back to living normal lives after they grieve for me. I know u guys understand and wouldn't say that I am selfish. I think my family is selfish for trying to make me stay here and endure this excruciating existence.
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