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BlackRoze · 06-18-2007, 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justice

I don't know how to deal with the death of loved one's. I remember when I was in elementary school, one of my aunts died,and I was taken to the funeral,but no one explained to me what was going on.I laughed because I didn't know why everyone was crying,and why my aunt was taking a nap in that big box (the casket)! My Mom got so mad she took me outside,and hit me,and sent me to walk home.I was not allowed to go to anymore funerals.But I still didn't get an explination,I just got punished,and when my Mom got home ,she beat the hell out of me! My Dad was gone with relatives. So,I never learned how to deal with death,except to get angry! Because I didn't understand why they were taken from me.I do understand now,but I still can't get over losing my Dad because he was my entire world.He gave me the only love,and encouragement I ever got growing up as a child,he didn't judge me when I was diagnosed Bi-Polar.He was a Psychologist Ph.D.,so he was always there for me.He meant everything to me.And I was upset when he died,but I was happy for him,because I knew how much he was suffering,because I was taking care of him,and his dementia was getting really bad,and his heart was dying on him,he didn't want the transplant,he wanted to go,and I just wanted him to be happy,and not to suffer anymore.But I am so angry that he's gone!I'm not angry at him,just life!I was Daddy's little Girl,and I miss him so much! But I don't think I'll ever get over losing the only person that's ever loved me unconditionally! I don't know how to deal with it,so I've been holding it in,all that anger,since he died on October 3rd,2005! I want to be with him,but not die in order to be with him,you know what I mean? I just want to see him! That's the only positive thing I can think of about my terminal illness,is that I'll be with my Dad,sooner than later! But I carry all this anger with me everywhere I go.

Dear Justice,
I felt compiled to write you, first i would like to say I'm sorry you lost a wonderful friend, father, loved one. Even throw I know my sorry will not bring him back, nor take your anger, or your pain away. You and I do have some things in command with each other. Like not accepting death. Like you i lost a loved one that was like a father to me. It OK to be angry, but it how, or what you do with that anger THAT COUNTS. I found it helped to write ever thought i had about my Uncle Dave down in a journal. Like you I could never do no wrongs,he was always there for me, he always expected me for who i am, and I was the apple of his eye; we even had the same b-days just many years apart.
I took time and went to his grave, and told him i was angry for him leaving me. But deep down i knew he was suffering from his cancer. When it got really bad as i held his hand i even prayed for him to go home, Because of seeing him in such pain, well he was just to good of a man to deserve such suffering he endured. So I PRAYED, and told him it was OK to let go, cause i loved him to much not to let him go. Which I later felt guilty for. when I went to his grave It was just his and mine time. i CRIED, i YELLED till i couldn't any longer.
It's been over 11 years now, I'm so glad i wrote that Journal, cause I'm able to look back and remember all the wonderful times we had.
But most of all I'm able to share them, the parts i want too at lest, with my kids that never really got to know him.
I also look at his passing as his new begins which he will be there when my time comes, and what joy, and giggles we have when we do. I could almost see him telling me, you silly gal all that crying over me, when i never left you at all with a slap to the shoulder. In his witty ways. I also know he loved me enough not to want me to give up nether,nor to stop living. I know your father loved you, and most defiantly wouldn't want you to let anger and grief spoil you, and your life. I do believe they can hear us up there in heaven. It OK to cry, never be ashamed to, it's prof that your human, and validates your love for him.
But most all what kept me going is knowing I had to live to keep him alive, cause he lives life threw me, and my story's about him, and in my Journal I will leave on earth when I'm long gone. By doing so Keeps him alive forever.
Allow your self time to grieve. Your taking the right steps, it help when you talk about him. Others and my self are good listener any time you need one, or a shoulder to cry on if needed. Oh and Pillows do come in handy for those day of anger. You in my thoughts,
Sincerely Roze