not to ever know why he killed himself
i was aware of the depression
i remember
my blanking shrink
all that time for what
trying to get out of this trap
a vicious cycle
never to see his grandchildren
he too suffered mental disease
addiction and most importantly
depression
a man who had me at the age of 29
no time did i see him as a amputee
and it be a accident on the job
this all in South Africa
in the city of Durban
in the end like the last few years left
in his life
he looked like a junkie
a well dressed junkie
from his job to the bars
to the week-end parties
playing cards from a Friday night to
Sunday
if it wasn't that it would be
fishing for the week-end
what was he feeling on his last days
i was told he dressed in his best suit
and left never to return
how can i not wonder if he too did not
understand "it"
i conscious of my depression
the changes in my body
just on a hormonal level
i may not have a period anymore
but this body is not over
i have a extreme fluxes going on
and it effects me in a huge way

what was on his mind
i will always wonder
even through his letter, note
whatever you want to call "it"
as i am going through "it"
myself
there this family
and i could be the only one

the depression must be lifted
it is so strong sometimes i
amazed at its hold and strength
and i am trying so hard not to dive
even deeper

wanting not to feel would be so much better
but i also know better

will keep coming
for i must
love
me