Hi almondface,

I think I can relate very much to the dynamics of your family situation. I understand that intense emotional grasp that can keep you wishing and hoping for just some sort of a recognition of someones wrong doing. Have you asked yourself why you really need that? Do you think their apology would really be sincere, would their behavior improve, could it erase all the years of waiting and yearning for their admittance? What area of your life would it really improve to hear your mother say, I'm sorry?

I've been involved in various forms of self reflection therapy for many years and amongst other positive things, it has helped me to not become my mother ~:-). However, it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I had an amazing epiphany in which I realized that an apology from my mother would not really mean as much as I imagined it would. Simply because she does not feel that she did or does anything wrong or harmful to me and my sister and we are just suppose to be accepting of her abuse. Therefore her apology would basically mean nothing. This profound understanding initially made me very sad and I felt an intense sense of loss and grief. But I also felt a sense of freedom which told me that by letting go of the expectation and anticipation of an apology from her, I was releasing that emotional grasp that I allowed her to have on me. It positively changed my life, my perspective on life, my perspective on what other people think of my choices and allowed me to put up healthy boundaries with her with no further expectations from her.

I recently read something eerily familiar to me written by Dr Daniel Amen, a well known author, psychiatrist and brain disorder specialist. He said.. 'Violent homes have the same affect on children's brains as combat does on soldiers'. I can attest that this is so very true. Can you?

There are lots of books on dysfunctional family life and most of them contain some form of addiction issues or a piece of the 12 step recovery program for alcoholics. I found that you do not have to be an addict or an alcoholic to identify with the meaning behind the 12 step program and one book that I would highly recommend is called 'The Good Stuff' From Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family, How to Survive and then Thrive, by Karen Casey. This book gently teaches the reader how forgiveness is a special gift that we give to ourselves and to others. Because forgiveness allows us to have freedom from the emotional prison that we had constructed.

No one can remove the memories of the pain you have endured. But it really is possible to learn to live with those memories without them hurting anymore. I only know because I did it and I know you can to.

Take good care of yourself... love yourself because you are worth it ~'.'~