Dearest Gunny,

It is impossible for me to express as eloquently as M56 my gratitude for your service and heartbreak at what you are going through. You have had to go through so much and it is just tragic. I am so glad that you have the love and devotion of your wonderful dog to help carry you through.

I too, as so many here, understand the desire for the pain to end no matter what that looks like. I had frighteningly specific thoughts myself in spite of a deep faith, a loving and supportive husband and a teenager to raise. To contemplate ending it when you have much to live for is a statement about how much pain you are having, not your mental health. I do not believe it is a failure to have those thoughts, but that it is an alarm that things are truly dire and you must become even more aggressive about your care for yourself and for your pain.

Therapy was instrumental in getting me out of very dark place. I could not have done it on my own, no matter how stubborn and generally optimistic I am. it took an exceptional therapist and a lot of EMDR treatment to pull me up. I don't know if you have tried EMDR but it is used most often for trauma and frequently unitized for veteran patients. Though I have not suffered the horrors that you have endured, my injury, numerous operations and severe nerve injury were enough. The EMDR helped me move through the the trauma in a way the conscious brain could not process. My load is much, much lighter these days.

The other thing instrumental for me was a very involved nerve repair surgery of 3.5 hours. I know the place one must be in to contemplate undertaking risk to obtain pain relief. I do still have pain, but not nearly as bad. Although I cannot speak to SCS, I can say that when all else has failed we must sometimes make a real leap of faith to have a comfortable life and I support you no matter what decision you feel is best for you. By all means I would at least pursue the trial and see what it brings.

On a devils advocate note....I saw that you declined a cervical fusion. Obviously I don't know the specifics of your injury and I know the level is very important for outcome. But, I personally know 4 people who have required a fusion of the cervical spine due to pain and motor issues and all have had good outcomes and pain relief. Obviously risks must be carefully weighed and surgery is a very personal decision, but as I can attest to personally, sometimes it is necessary and worthwhile. If the SCS does not bring the relief you so desperately deserve, it may be worth talking with surgery about options. The options are very different than they were even five years ago.

Do please let us know how you are doing and when you are going to have your trial. I am keeping you in my prayers and sending healing love to surround your heart and battered spirit.