I'm sorry I haven't checked in in so long. I know that you would have been a great comfort to me, and your knowledge and experience would have helped guide me and better advocate for myself. But I couldn't type.

I'm BPII. I was on a daily dose of 1800mg of Lithium for about 5 yrs. off of it for about 4 (not without its issues). Hospitalized once for toxicity, but pdoc restarted me back on 1800mg the next day because she said the levels were "borderline." I had been unable to reach her in the ER or hospital.

I'm not going to get into it, but I just went through toxicity again, this time SEVERE and it went on for months because one hand doesn't know what the other is doing. (I have MS but please, please, please don't ask me any questions about it right now because it will only muddle me). I WILL cut the docs some slack because MS is a disease that effects the brain and all psychotropic drugs effect it, too. If I wasn't so snowed I would have caught on to it sooner.

I stopped lithium a little over a month ago and enjoyed a wonderful period of more clarity. I was able to reflect on things and put some things into perspective. I haven't felt that good in years. I think lithium was snowing me to some degree all along.

But I know I need to be on a mood stabilizer long term!
This is why:

My hypomanic episodes increased over the last 2 yrs, so did my drinking.

Over a period of 4-5 mo I was hypomanic (or mostly?). The last 2-3 I was off Lithium.

In December, I tried to commit suicide.** I'm VERY, VERY, VERY lucky to be alive.

On the 8th of this month I started noticing signs of what could be signs of mild hypomania. I saw the pdoc on the 10th, but we decided to start Latuda at 20mg because I need that mood stabilizer.
Due to issues with prior authorization, I didn't start the Latuda until this past Friday the 17th.
Yesterday, the 19th, I knew I was hypomanic. Today it's full-blown and I have akathisia.

I spoke to the on-call nurse about this, but a BIG CONCERN FOR ME is that I am critiquing my own suicide attempt. It's not "what I would do next time," but "what I should have done." It pops up. It's extremely disturbing. She said it's the hypomania.
I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die. I don't have a plan. If any of that changes, it's to the ER I go. I don't have a problem with that- I don't want to hurt myself again.

She told me to stay on the Latuda, which is approved for bipolar depression. I had reservations about taking it in the first place because last time on the seesaw I was on the air not on the ground? But I will do it.
And she told me to keep taking the xanax. It does nothing for akathisia. I have an expression for that, but it's not appropriate for the forum.

My pdoc will not be in the office until Wednesday (2 days from now). I have an appointment with her Friday.

I think I'll take ANOTHER shower.

Kay