so much bottle up
don't want "it" anymore
i cannot stop in my day
and not say
"i don't want to be here"
to write this hurts to the core
granddaughters mother called 7:00 A.M.
did not answer the phone as she is in fighting mode
afraid of my own kid
asks to see the baby and forgetting
she just mentioned how she was drinking at a bar
seems as it is getting worse as time goes on
neither of them reliable or sober for that matter
and it be something i am still waiting for
praying that mommy go into re-hab
when dear god will this happen
situation is so bad to much to have to go through

i would have liked to have gone to the pool
for first my grandchild
and frankly Corissa is in a whole other world
this is what i have to swallow
i asked my daughter something i noticed
was happening
why wouldn't she call me while in her dads presence
answer
"i'm afraid he'll cut me off"
"cut you off from what"
i already knowing
hoping she would be honest
about the situation
"cut off if i ask him for any money
ie; to get my nails or eyebrows done"
i thanked her for being honest
however it wasn't okay
i explained
she should be able to
WITHOUT FEAR
and that child support is different than
the money she is asking for
and she does so without it being a reward
there is where i take issue
because she sees his other children are
given money in a haphazard way
where it hurt her today
not getting what's important
i am on her about getting her GED
i cannot give as i could have when i had mt
JOB gone
not understood by her
her dad who evades taxes
having a hardwood flooring business
never wanted any part of it as he
lied to the Judge about his income
and please understand $63.00 a week
after the Judge needed to place an order
based on what he was claiming
and judge ordered for his last two years of
returns be presented so she could amend
the amount
sadly for me it was never about money
i made the decision to raise her alone
been there did it with three children
i'll do it again
seventeen years later
we are where we are
in a very bad way
she is afraid to stand up to him
and will use me in her tries
as i told her i cannot provide
any let's just term it
EXTRAS
I AM SO SICK OF IT
and what she is attracted to

and then we have mother of Eva
who rarely gives financially

father was arrested again recently
for selling drugs

what the blank am i left with

my two eldest 34 and 32 between the both of them
owe me easy 8 grand

can i use that money
sure i still need to pay off the car

i haven't heard from them in a while
my dog with my eldest
either of these two children of mine
are willing to watch and supervise Christine
my daughter Eva's mom
who just accused me of her life is
the way it is
is because she needs a mother
this makes me very very sad

and for my older children not to be in Eva's life
as the last time i spoke to my eldest who was my
advocate was getting her friends children backpack ready for camp
she knows what those two children eat
and not her only niece
this makes me very very sad

there is so much i have to make up for what
Corissa and Eva have missed from not having the
people in their life that is "family"

and we are home
locked in
the weather is hot low humidity
a good time to be at the pool
Eva loves it
just not today
don't know what mother has up her sleeve
she has been threatening in the last couple of days

i am closer to the end
why does it have to be the way it is
i am so sick of it
ALL
ME