dear friend

oh how you have tapped into my pain
oh how sad i am
failing to keep this family together
scattered they are all
all living their own life
and i don't know how to let go
of them
as abandonment ripple through
this life
not one in a good way
i have come to learn my eldest
is finally moving out of in-laws house
after two years
my son in no contact for years
calls just to hear my voice
when in a bad way
haven't heard from him since then
about a month
this is not about me needing my children to
complete me having to see them all the time
or even call everyday
but to have nothing from them
is so much like a suicide
while alive
should that make
sense to anyone
my depression has now taken on a physical level
lately i have noticed
before my eyes even open
as i stir to awake
i have a knot in my gut
of doom
despair
sadness that hurts
and i would think
this is temporary
but it is draining me
swallowing me up
i failed miserably
and then again
my children only see disconnect
in my relationship that does
NOT exist with a woman who gave birth
to three girls
i the oldest
the dynamics abnormal
and my mother turned the other way
how much more suffering will i endure
from my precious family
this is a death
it feels just like one
my family disconnected
and all i want is for them
is to be happy
love what they are doing
live life
me